I turn 43 today. I have been a self-employed photographer for 15 years. I have been married and a homeowner for 15 years. I have an 8 year old and an 11 year old. All of those things make me sound like I am OLD but most of the time I feel like I have swirling thoughts of a recent college graduate. I clearly remember when I was in my early twenties daydreaming about how great it would be to be 40 because all the unknowns would be known--I would know what I was doing with my life, it would be so much easier than the post-college years. I envisioned I would be working, perhaps with a family and home. I was sure life would be MUCH easier when all the "worrisome", glaring, gynormous blanks in my life were filled in. I remember I just wanted a few answers to the unanswerable questions running through my 21 year-old head--"What am I going to be when I grow up? What job can I possibly get?? When am I going to figure out what I want to do?? Will any guy ever want to marry me??? Where is life going to take me???" The truth is, as the blanks have filled in and become my reality, new unknowns, struggles and voids opened. Even though my life has been filled to the brim with great adventures, experiences, jobs and wonderful family and friends I still am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and the unknowns, insecurities and stresses seem to have increased tenfold.
The reality is life's road never straightens out and there are no clear road maps available. Mentally, I know it is important is to keep my foot on the gas, be open to receiving directions and guidance, but also trust my instincts and follow my heart down the road that feels right for me. I believe there is never just one road that will get you to your destination, the key is to make sure you keep driving instead of idling forever.
My road map has been filled with countless twists and turns which I love because I am definitely a creature of change and I love the unknown. But like everyone, I have my own insecurities, worries and limitations that become enormous roadblocks. The outside world may not see them, but they have always been there creating little pot holes and rest areas in my life. I am one that loves to fly by the seat of my pants. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and if I over plan my life I will miss out on the little magic moments of spontaneity and crossing paths with people that I was meant to meet. So, much to the dismay of many friends and family, I am not a planner...but looking back at life in my rearview mirror and where I am today, I feel 100% affirmed that I have lived an incredible life that I never could have dreamed up or planned for...I am lucky and grateful. And I need to reassure myself that it is okay to not be a planner. It has worked in the past, so why won't it work for the future.
I am at the place in life where I thought I would just be settling in--cruise control.
Since graduating from college, I have been able to maintain one constant in my life--backpacking in lesser traveled countries around the globe. Like many college grads, I spent 3 months backpacking through Europe before I began a two year Peace Corps Volunteer stint, living in a thatched roof, dung hut in remote mountain village of Lesotho. I was always asked why I loved to travel. Even my husband (a fellow PCV & traveler) questioned why I had to go to places so far away, why couldn't I just be happy visiting places in the U. S. that most people visit (i.e. Grand Canyon, NYC, Hawaii...) I was never able to give him a strong answer. Foreign traveled fueled my soul. Most people assumed my love of immersing myself in far off, very foreign places is because of my love for photography. I even made that assumption, but I knew that couldn't be the explanation because, although I took many pictures during my travels, I rarely shared them when I returned home. Even my q
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