The Backstory

I turn 43 today.  I have been a self-employed photographer for 15 years.  I have been married and a homeowner for 15 years.  I have an 8 year old and an 11 year old.  All of those things make me sound like I am OLD but most of the time I feel like I have swirling thoughts of a recent college graduate.  I clearly remember when I was in my early twenties daydreaming about how great it would be to be 40 because all the unknowns would be known--I would know what I was doing with my life, it would be so much easier than the post-college years.  I envisioned I would be working, perhaps with a family and home.  I was sure life would be MUCH easier when all the "worrisome", glaring, gynormous blanks in my life were filled in.  I remember I just wanted a few answers to the unanswerable questions running through my 21 year-old head--"What am I going to be when I grow up?  What job can I possibly get??  When am I going to figure out what I want to do??  Will any guy ever want to marry me???  Where is life going to take me???"   The truth is, as the blanks have filled in and become my reality, new unknowns, struggles and voids opened.  Even though my life has been filled to the brim with great adventures, experiences, jobs and wonderful family and friends I still am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and the unknowns, insecurities and stresses seem to have increased tenfold.
The reality is life's road never straightens out and there are no clear road maps available.  Mentally, I know it is important is to keep my foot on the gas, be open to receiving directions and guidance, but also trust my instincts and follow my heart down the road that feels right for me.  I believe there is never just one road that will get you to your destination, the key is to make sure you keep driving instead of idling forever.
My road map has been filled with countless twists and turns which I love because I am definitely a creature of change and I love the unknown.  But like everyone, I have my own insecurities, worries and limitations that become enormous roadblocks.  The outside world may not see them, but they have always been there creating little pot holes and rest areas in my life.  I am one that loves to fly by the seat of my pants.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and if I over plan my life I will miss out on the little magic moments of spontaneity and crossing paths with people that I was meant to meet.  So, much to the dismay of many friends and family, I am not a planner...but looking back at life in my rearview mirror and where I am today, I feel 100% affirmed that I have lived an incredible life that I never could have dreamed up or planned for...I am lucky and grateful.  And I need to reassure myself that it is okay to not be a planner.  It has worked in the past, so why won't it work for the future.
I am at the place in life where I thought I would just be settling in--cruise control.
Since graduating from college, I have been able to maintain one constant in my life--backpacking in lesser traveled countries around the globe.  Like many college grads, I spent 3 months backpacking through Europe before I began a two year Peace Corps Volunteer stint, living in a thatched roof, dung hut in remote mountain village of Lesotho.  I was always asked why I loved to travel.  Even my husband (a fellow PCV & traveler) questioned why I had to go to places so far away, why couldn't I just be happy visiting places in the U. S. that most people visit (i.e. Grand Canyon, NYC, Hawaii...)  I was never able to give him a strong answer.  Foreign traveled fueled my soul.  Most people assumed my love of immersing myself in far off, very foreign places is because of my love for photography.  I even made that assumption, but I knew that couldn't be the explanation because, although I took many pictures during my travels, I rarely shared them when I returned home.  Even my q

Five weeks ago, I stopped in Starbucks on Lake Washington Blvd.  A woman with a backpack, sweat drenched hair, leaning on walking sticks was in line ahead of me.  After placing her order, she asked for directions from the baristas.  They looked at her with quizzical expressions, so I asked where she was heading.  "The Seattle Center (miles from where we were)...I need to get to McGilvra then Galer then..." I assured her she was heading in the right direction, but those streets were not the most direct route to her end destination.  I asked why she was taking a round about way downtown.   "I am training for my first marathon.  I have been walking since 6:30am." (it was 2pm)  I was heading to NYC in just a few days to run the NY marathon so we briefly talked about long training routes.  She mentioned she was in need of new routes, so I stuffed my card in her backpack pocket as we parted ways.  I climbed into my car and she set off down the sidewalk.  As I drove by, I gave her a quick cheer, "Wahoo, Patti.  Way to go!"  She raised her arms high in the air and a smile appeared on her tired face.  She emailed me the next day letting me know she had made it to Seattle Center in TWELVE hours.  Pretty incredible I thought.  

The next week I ran the NYC marathon, my third, but the last one was a lifetime ago.  The run did not go as I had envisioned.  The cold, windy morning got the best of me.  I finished, which I know is an accomplishment regardless of the time, but the run and the experience fell far short of my expectation.  I left the Big Apple with a sense of disappointment.  Returning home, I kept in the back of my mind the idea to run the Seattle marathon the Sunday following Thanksgiving.  I figured it was going to be a long time, if ever that I would be able to run that distance again…so I might as well.  I ran a few times but did not commit.  The fall weather had set in and I knew I wouldn't run the marathon if the forecast was rain.  The holiday week started with torrential rain.  Nope, not going to run, I thought.  On Thanksgiving, I opened the forecast app on my phone and saw the full sun icon for Sunday...race day…there went my out.  So, without giving it much more thought, I registered for another 26.2.  

Saturday I spent questioning my stupidity.  The forecast was showing temps hovering around freezing level.  Well, I thought, I can start and always bail out.  Home is just a cab ride away this time.  What was I thinking??!!  I tormented myself all day thinking of my stupidity in signing up.  That evening, while I was ruminating out loud, Cooper, my 11 year old son said, "Mom, all that matters is that you finish.  I just want you to finish…"  His words ran non-stop through my head as I went to sleep until I emerged from my warm SUV at 7:45am into 27 degree Seattle morning to walk to the start line.  "Just finish…"

The marathon run started at 8:15.  The walkers started an hour earlier…in the dark.  It must have been even colder.  As I was heading up a gradual incline on the I-90 bridge between mile 5 and 6, I saw a walker with a backpack and walking sticks.  Seeing Patti heading up the same incline made my day.  I ran past her saying hello and that we had met at Starbucks.  She looked perplexed and then the memory emerged from our meeting and she lit up with a smile.  The marathon doubled back on itself twice, so I got to see Patti two more times times during my run. Seeing her smile truly made my day and I thought if Patti can do this, I can do this…just finish…that is enough ran through my head.  At mile 23, Cooper met me to run to the finish line.  It was one of the best experiences I have had with him.  He loved running into the stadium and holding my hand as we crossed the finish line.  He was so proud of me.  I reminded him that I ran walked the last 9 miles and he said, "Mom, that doesn't matter. There is only one real winner and you were not running to win, right?  So it doesn't matter how you finished but that you finished…"
After a long bath and resting at home for a few hours, I realized Patti was probably still walking.  Mile 23 is very close to my home so my mom and I jumped in the car, to see if we could find Patti.  She was just blocks away.  I rolled down my window and gave her a big cheer.  Her head lifted and she gave us a big smile.  We drove further ahead, jumped out of our car and cheered her on as she crossed over the highway and rounded a corner. We ended up walking her 23rd mile with her and learned she started walking the week after she was cancer free. "I had spent a year living in fear. A full year in contraction. I decided my next year would be lived expanding!" 
Her next goal is to the Camino de Santiago in Spain from April to June.  It will be a 450 mile pilgrimage.   "People walk 15 miles per day for 33 days.  I don't think I will be able to do that, so I am giving myself two months.  If I finish early, I will visit Paris." The smile that crossed her face envisioning it was stunning! We left Patti to finish her marathon with her quiet thoughts and dreams.  
I went home thinking how lucky I was to have crossed paths with Patti that day in Starbucks.  She lifted my spirits throughout my run and will inspire me as I move towards my dreams.

This morning I awoke to find this email waiting for me.  I hesitated all day about sharing it here because of how people would perceive me..."Ugh, I am so over Tara's sharing her happy s*&#...enough already..."  Lots of different thoughts ran through my head.  But in the end I have to be me and do me and not worry about reactions.  I share because Patti's email touched me deeply and is an illustration of why small connections can do.  You never know where a brief connection will lead or how it will affect you & the person on the other side.  It could last all of 30 seconds or it could linger for a lifetime.  It doesn't take much to give of your time.  At times

I am so overwhelmed by the kindnesses you showed me as I trained and as I walked on the marathon.  I was so blown away when you called out to me.  Just cried and cried at how kindness reaches out in all sorts of ways in our world. 

I believe that you have a strong connective gift.  I think that is your gift to this world.  I am sure that you are figuring out ways to connect us all.  I think it is easy to be lonely or isolated or feel that we don't have people in this life that we can find similarities with.  You are such an example of someone who doesn't operate that way - who makes a choice!

Thank you so much again.  Would love to stay connected in some way with you - and also, do you have a copy of those pictures - would love to show my daughters that this was me at almost one more mile to go - and also this was an amazing woman who met me on my first try at the marathon route as I started to really practice who made me laugh and encouraged me to keep going!  And look what happened - we met each other again at the race - and we both finished!  I came in 72 our of 74!