Ex Con. Ice Breaker. SOUL SHAKER.

Upon walked into the lobby waiting room for a therapist in Madison Park (an affluent neighborhood in Seattle), there was a disheveled, Snoop Dogg dead ringer, with tear drop tattoos and plastic bags next to him.  Ashamedly, my immediate thought was, "Is this man homeless and just walked off the street for a warm, dry spot to sit?"  He presence was so incongruous with the people I had seen in this office, or the upscale neighborhood, for that matter.  I put my head down, walked past both and sat on an empty sofa.  

I grabbed a magazine and quickly busied myself.  I only have my own experience to draw on, but in therapist waiting areas people rarely seem to make eye contact or talk.  Is there shame or embarrassment we are trying to avoid?  Aren't we all seeking help? But the vibe is always if I don't make eye contact with you, you will do the same for me and we can hide behind the imaginary wall and pretend no one is struggling. 

Minutes passed, I thought about the man in the room with me.  I did not make eye contact with him, but I was curious about him.   Why didn't I acknowledge his presence?  I think I am a nice person.  Why can't I look up?  "Keep flipping through the shiny Seattle Magazine.  I didn't want him to think I was judging him.  "Head down until your therapist calls your name," I said to myself.  "Maybe he is homeless and if I open the door with a 'hello', I won't be able to shut it??"  Total avoidance of another person's presence in a small space...that didn't feel great but I convinced myself that was the better option.  

A voice shook me out of my bubble.  I look up to find an inquisitive gaze followed by, "Excuse me, this is my first time here.  Do you just wait for a person to come and call you back?"  His simple question broke through the wall of silence.  

"Yes, whoever you are meeting will come and call your name," I reply.  And then, not wanting to continue my closed off position, I ask the question I ask most to people I do not know, "Are you from Seattle?"  "No, am from Missouri, I have only been in Seattle a few months."  

"That is a big move.  What brought you out to Seattle?  Friends or family?  How have you found Seattle to be?" I asked.  

"I needed to get away from Missouri, I came alone and it has been tough because it seems like people here are not friendly.  They don't like to be asked questions.  Compared to Missouri, they are not really that friendly."

I said, "Seattle is filled with very nice people, but it does take quite a bit of time to get to know people, 'Seattle nice, Seattle ice.'"

He had not heard that term before, but said he definitely has experienced it.  Just then my therapist arrived.  I had to quickly depart.  As I walked past him, I said goodbye and good luck....on with my day. 

I walked down the long hallway to my therapist's office thinking, I was thankful he asked me a question and stepped through the wall of silence.  I am not sure I would have done the same if I was in a place where I was a fish out of water as clearly as he was.  The  brief experience, although very minor impacted me but I couldn't put my finger on why.  On with my day...

Following my hour appointment, when I returned to the lobby, there he was, loading up his plastic bags.  I asked,"Did it all work out?  Did your counselor come?"

"It turned out I had the wrong time.  My appointment wasn't until 12:30.  So I need to come back in an hour." 

I mentioned there was a beautiful lakeside park just a few blocks away where he could sit while he waited.  His counselor had shared that with him too.  I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and I was thankful he asked me a question to take me out of my own space that morning.  I asked his name, "Robert," he shared.  I thanked him again as I pulled out my business card, handed it to him and said he could email me if he ever wanted to connect again or had any questions about Seattle.  He thanked me and I walked out. 

Just a few steps out the door, planning to cross the street to grab a coffee at Starbucks, I realized I could invite him to join me.  He said people were not friendly here...I could extend a few minutes of "friendliness" to him.  I returned with my invitation.  He took me up on my offer.

As we were approaching Starbucks, I asked him why he choose Seattle.  "A friend in St. Louis said it was a nice, quieter city.  That sounded like what I needed.  I needed to get away from everything in Missouri and start fresh."  

"Were you born and raise in St. Louis?"  I asked.  

"Yes.  I spent my whole life there."  

"Wow, that takes a lot of courage to move to a place so far away, when you don't know anyone and start a new!" I said.  He shrugged this idea off, but I reiterated my thought.

"Yes...I guess so." he said.  

"I know so.  That really is a big deal.  It cannot be easy."  I said.  

"Yeah, it is tough, but if you want to change to happen, you have to take a leap and go for it.  That is what I am trying to do.  It is hard, but I am trying my best.  I know I need change."  He had no idea how his words were impacting me.  They cut deep for me because I have been feeling down and isolated the past few weeks.  I believe these words.  I preach these words to my husband and sons.  But when you hit periods of self-doubt, even knowing those words to be true, it is easier to burrow into the ground than leap.  The messenger was powerful.  I assumed his difficulties were much greater than mine.  If he was pushing self-doubt aside, who was I to not start doing the same?  Courage.

I asked Robert what kind of coffee he would like.  "I don't know...black?"

"Black, that's it?  Lighter or darker roast?  Do you want room for cream and sugar?"  If you are a Seattleite, there are so many questions you can ask about one cup of coffee...

After I finished his simple order, followed by my "Tall Americano, one Splenda and topped with steamed milk" nit-picky order, Robert asks, "What is this place?  Do they make some special kind of coffee or what?"

"You know Starbucks, right?  The headquarters is here, but they have these shops in St. Louis and all over the world." I say.

"I have heard of them, but I have never been in one..."  That is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

After joining him to walk down to the waterfront park and sit with him, I learn why the unfathomable is real.  

Robert was incarcerated for 15 years.  Entering at the age of 21, in 1999.  I have never met an ex-convict.  I cannot believe my first experience was in a most unexpected neighborhood.  

The next hour unfolded with learning and new insight for both of us.  I will close for now and hope to share a little more about Robert's impact on my head and my heart.

Most significantly, Robert shook my soul just when I needed it.  Life is about taking leaps every day.  

HUMAN CONNECTIVITY is ESSENTIAL and can be found every day in unexpected places.  We just have to lift our heads and have courage to say hello.  

An Enlightening Near Miss

_­­­­­­PEOPLE CHANGE PEOPLE.  These three words have been swirling in my head for weeks.  Each day I have had a new thought to add to this belief.  They were BIG thoughts, BIG examples with BIG tangible outcomes.  I was looking forward to formulating my thoughts for my next post.  Then, just an hour ago, I had a very minor incident happen that left me reflecting on how small human exchanges can have small, but no less meaningful impact.

Five minutes before walking out the door for school this morning, my youngest son (9 yr. old) shared his stomach did not feel well.  WHAT????!!!!...totally out of the blue, no fever, no sign of illness until the 11^th hour before school.  I decide to have him stay at home and re-assess in an hour.  My full plate of work and to-do list would have to wait too.  Two hours later felt well enough to go.  We headed out the door with lightning quickness before he changed his mind.  Off to school we raced.  I am filled with relief that I would still be able to tackle a few of my tasks.

As I drove onto the school grounds, about to turn left into the parking lot, a SUV surprises me coming out of the parking lot.  We both stopped suddenly.  I felt I had the right-of-way and slowly moved forward.  She must have had similar feelings in regards to her positioning and moved forward too, leaving a very narrow space between her car and the curb.  I decided I was going to put my head down and keep going, narrow or not, I was in the right.  She honked.  I kept driving without lifting my head.  Even though I thought I was in the right, I was not 100% sure, keeping my head down, avoiding eye contact allowed me to avoid seeing what she thought of my perspective. 

I drove past her and she drove out of the lot.  That was that.  I did not feel good about the exchange, who was she to honk??  Maybe I was not right to pass by without letting her pull out, but I still felt I was right and I let me feelings towards the random driver stay in a negative space.  Time to move on with the morning…I had things to do.  I walked my son into the school and the incident was moving into my rearview mirror of my day.  Most likely I wouldn’t give it another thought. 

That is what normally happens with frustrating stranger encounters.  We never see the person again.  We get to hold onto our self-justified perspective of an incident and hold onto the feelings of the person who wronged us.  The one I was holding onto was an image of an uptight, slightly older, dark haired woman who could not have been very nice…totally uptight. 

Exiting the building, I was about to descend the stairs, thinking about the few productive hours ahead of me.  Then, I see a dark haired woman walking briskly towards the stairs with a business brief case roller bag.  My mental dialogue was yanked from my to-do list to facing my immediate future and rapid fire thoughts race through my mind.  “Is that the same woman who was leaving the lot?  Couldn’t be; she was leaving when I was coming.  What if it is??  Should I just put my head down and walk past her?  I had the right of way, why would I want to revisit the frustrating incident?!  Why do I have to see her NOW??  Maybe it isn’t her, I didn't really get a good look because my head was cowardly down when I past.  You have to look at her.  You have to stop and acknowledge her.  What if it isn’t her?  Don’t stop.  Walk faster!!  Her head is down too, maybe she won’t see you.  Act like it never happened.”

Five seconds later, I am at the bottom of the stairs and she is five feet in front of me.  I look at her.  She sees me but I do not see any sense of recognition cross her face.  “Maybe it isn’t her,” I think.  I don’t know.  I decide to look grab my courage and ask her if she is the woman from the SUV.  She looks at me quizzically.  “It isn’t her!  Whew!” I think.  This woman has no idea what I am talking about.  Now I feel silly for even stopping her to ask, but I ask one more time, “Did you and I just have a car meet up by the parking lot?”  I see the light bulb go off.  “Oh, yes that was me,” she rigidly said, frustration washing over her face as she now recognizes me.  She is not happy.  I explain I had felt like I had the right of way, but since my reaction was to avoid eye contact when she honked at me, I had thought maybe I was in the wrong and did not want to face her. I apologized for my part in the incident.  Instantaneously, the rigidity visibly dissipated from her being.  A smile of amazement crossed her face as she gratefully accepted my apology and offered one of her own.  “I should not have moved to narrow your pathway or honked at you.  I am sorry.  I did feel badly for that.”  We continued our mutual apologies and forgiveness as if a flood gate had been opened.  As we were parting ways, she stopped me and said “Thank you so much for this.  I must tell you how much it means to me that you stopped me to apologize.  I really appreciate it.  Really, I cannot tell you how much it means…”  She leaned in to give me a hug.  I wished her a great rest of the day and she did the same.  Back to our busy, crazy lives we went.

What I learned was my actions, regardless of if I believed they were justified, impacted another person and hers’ mine.  It was easy to brush aside because she was a complete stranger. 

I would never be held accountable for my behavior, right or wrong.  But exiting my car with feelings of frustration and questioning my own behavior left me with negative energy to add to an already harried day.  Rarely is there a way to reverse ill will expressed between strangers.  Sitting here this afternoon, I feel like I hit the jackpot to have had the opportunity to cross paths with her the second time (completely the opposite feeling I had when I was approaching the stairs).  We were able to really see each other and realize our actions were inappropriate regardless of who was at fault.  To apologize for our behavior lifted both of our spirits.   

Every person, regardless of age, walking on this planet has a busy, complex, crazy life.  It is easy to forget to think about others when you are trying to get through your day.  I will use today to remind myself always, ALWAYS lead with kindness because in big and small ways people change people!