Ex Con. Ice Breaker. SOUL SHAKER.

Upon walked into the lobby waiting room for a therapist in Madison Park (an affluent neighborhood in Seattle), there was a disheveled, Snoop Dogg dead ringer, with tear drop tattoos and plastic bags next to him.  Ashamedly, my immediate thought was, "Is this man homeless and just walked off the street for a warm, dry spot to sit?"  He presence was so incongruous with the people I had seen in this office, or the upscale neighborhood, for that matter.  I put my head down, walked past both and sat on an empty sofa.  

I grabbed a magazine and quickly busied myself.  I only have my own experience to draw on, but in therapist waiting areas people rarely seem to make eye contact or talk.  Is there shame or embarrassment we are trying to avoid?  Aren't we all seeking help? But the vibe is always if I don't make eye contact with you, you will do the same for me and we can hide behind the imaginary wall and pretend no one is struggling. 

Minutes passed, I thought about the man in the room with me.  I did not make eye contact with him, but I was curious about him.   Why didn't I acknowledge his presence?  I think I am a nice person.  Why can't I look up?  "Keep flipping through the shiny Seattle Magazine.  I didn't want him to think I was judging him.  "Head down until your therapist calls your name," I said to myself.  "Maybe he is homeless and if I open the door with a 'hello', I won't be able to shut it??"  Total avoidance of another person's presence in a small space...that didn't feel great but I convinced myself that was the better option.  

A voice shook me out of my bubble.  I look up to find an inquisitive gaze followed by, "Excuse me, this is my first time here.  Do you just wait for a person to come and call you back?"  His simple question broke through the wall of silence.  

"Yes, whoever you are meeting will come and call your name," I reply.  And then, not wanting to continue my closed off position, I ask the question I ask most to people I do not know, "Are you from Seattle?"  "No, am from Missouri, I have only been in Seattle a few months."  

"That is a big move.  What brought you out to Seattle?  Friends or family?  How have you found Seattle to be?" I asked.  

"I needed to get away from Missouri, I came alone and it has been tough because it seems like people here are not friendly.  They don't like to be asked questions.  Compared to Missouri, they are not really that friendly."

I said, "Seattle is filled with very nice people, but it does take quite a bit of time to get to know people, 'Seattle nice, Seattle ice.'"

He had not heard that term before, but said he definitely has experienced it.  Just then my therapist arrived.  I had to quickly depart.  As I walked past him, I said goodbye and good luck....on with my day. 

I walked down the long hallway to my therapist's office thinking, I was thankful he asked me a question and stepped through the wall of silence.  I am not sure I would have done the same if I was in a place where I was a fish out of water as clearly as he was.  The  brief experience, although very minor impacted me but I couldn't put my finger on why.  On with my day...

Following my hour appointment, when I returned to the lobby, there he was, loading up his plastic bags.  I asked,"Did it all work out?  Did your counselor come?"

"It turned out I had the wrong time.  My appointment wasn't until 12:30.  So I need to come back in an hour." 

I mentioned there was a beautiful lakeside park just a few blocks away where he could sit while he waited.  His counselor had shared that with him too.  I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and I was thankful he asked me a question to take me out of my own space that morning.  I asked his name, "Robert," he shared.  I thanked him again as I pulled out my business card, handed it to him and said he could email me if he ever wanted to connect again or had any questions about Seattle.  He thanked me and I walked out. 

Just a few steps out the door, planning to cross the street to grab a coffee at Starbucks, I realized I could invite him to join me.  He said people were not friendly here...I could extend a few minutes of "friendliness" to him.  I returned with my invitation.  He took me up on my offer.

As we were approaching Starbucks, I asked him why he choose Seattle.  "A friend in St. Louis said it was a nice, quieter city.  That sounded like what I needed.  I needed to get away from everything in Missouri and start fresh."  

"Were you born and raise in St. Louis?"  I asked.  

"Yes.  I spent my whole life there."  

"Wow, that takes a lot of courage to move to a place so far away, when you don't know anyone and start a new!" I said.  He shrugged this idea off, but I reiterated my thought.

"Yes...I guess so." he said.  

"I know so.  That really is a big deal.  It cannot be easy."  I said.  

"Yeah, it is tough, but if you want to change to happen, you have to take a leap and go for it.  That is what I am trying to do.  It is hard, but I am trying my best.  I know I need change."  He had no idea how his words were impacting me.  They cut deep for me because I have been feeling down and isolated the past few weeks.  I believe these words.  I preach these words to my husband and sons.  But when you hit periods of self-doubt, even knowing those words to be true, it is easier to burrow into the ground than leap.  The messenger was powerful.  I assumed his difficulties were much greater than mine.  If he was pushing self-doubt aside, who was I to not start doing the same?  Courage.

I asked Robert what kind of coffee he would like.  "I don't know...black?"

"Black, that's it?  Lighter or darker roast?  Do you want room for cream and sugar?"  If you are a Seattleite, there are so many questions you can ask about one cup of coffee...

After I finished his simple order, followed by my "Tall Americano, one Splenda and topped with steamed milk" nit-picky order, Robert asks, "What is this place?  Do they make some special kind of coffee or what?"

"You know Starbucks, right?  The headquarters is here, but they have these shops in St. Louis and all over the world." I say.

"I have heard of them, but I have never been in one..."  That is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

After joining him to walk down to the waterfront park and sit with him, I learn why the unfathomable is real.  

Robert was incarcerated for 15 years.  Entering at the age of 21, in 1999.  I have never met an ex-convict.  I cannot believe my first experience was in a most unexpected neighborhood.  

The next hour unfolded with learning and new insight for both of us.  I will close for now and hope to share a little more about Robert's impact on my head and my heart.

Most significantly, Robert shook my soul just when I needed it.  Life is about taking leaps every day.  

HUMAN CONNECTIVITY is ESSENTIAL and can be found every day in unexpected places.  We just have to lift our heads and have courage to say hello.  

Empathy & Connectivity—A Lesson Learned from the Seahawks

Sunday was a blip on the map for most people in the world, but here in Seattle, it was a day filled with abounding excitement, with hope and with community.  Hundreds of thousands of people in Seattle and around the globe were fortunate to be drawn together around a common cause…NFL football.  NFL FOOTBALL!!  It seems crazy that sports can bring people together hoping to further their happiness with another win.  We were all proud to be 12's in our city.  Young, old, rich, poor, black, white, Asian, straight, gay….everyone was part of one great community galvanized by a common goal…another Seahawk win.  The connected vibe in Seattle was palpable and intoxicating.   The energy had been building for months, reaching its peak at 3:30pm Pacific Time.  But, a mere four hours later, Seattleites were filled with question, frustration, sadness and even anger because of one play.  How quickly emotions shifted and the electrified air was sucked out of our sails.  After a few days of reflecting on the emotions surrounding the Seattle Seahawks, their accomplishments and their defeat, I realized it is a perfect analogy for why we, as a society, get in the way of real human connectedness.

Sunday left me wondering if the ingrained societal “default” behavior is judgment and criticism, instead of empathy and understanding.  When life is good, it is not as apparent and has less impact because we are enjoying ourselves.  But when something goes wrong, we instinctually turn to questioning, blame and criticism.  Those three actions undoubtedly create negative reactions. 

If this is the societal “norm”, why would any individual ever venture outside of their comfort zone, knowing they will most likely be met with questioning and criticism?  It is much “safer” to stay in the comfort zone and join in the judgment, blame and criticism of what we don’t understand, resulting in stagnancy and disconnectedness. 

What is crazy to me is, I think most people crave community, acceptance, happiness, and understanding but clearly it can be fleeting based on perception and judgment.  Nothing changed for 99.5% of the proud, enthusiastic community that existed on Sunday, except their team lost…our lives did not change, but our happiness was erased.  To take it even further, maybe .5% of people who were truly impacted by the loss have to stand tall and answer countless, incessant questions about ONE play.  ONE PLAY!!  Their lives this week truly have been impacted and I cannot fathom the weight they are shouldering individually and collectively.  It must be mentally crushing.  As a layman, I cannot imagine the mental and emotional strength it must take for Pete Carroll to open his bedroom door in the morning and be met with such question.  The individuals that truly gave their heart, soul, body and spirit to bring home a win to Seattle are the ones who deserve our understanding and support most…but instead they are met w/ judgment.  How isolating that must feel!  Do people forget that they are just like you and me...human...not super human.  Imagine trying to deal with the devastation while under the microscope the media creates.  I would want to crawl down a rabbit hole and not emerge until 2020!!  Not an option for these guys.  

Ironically, Seahawk fans and the sporting world at-large spent a season filled with pride and adoration for what Pete Carroll and his football team represented—making choices most would not, playing a game uniquely different than any other NFL team has ever played.  We were in awe of decisions Carroll and the head office made to bring a together individuals that most NFL execs overlooked.  We were proud of the fact that the Seahawk team and their victories represented “team” not “I” or a few superstar individuals.  The shift that occurred in one goal line play is sadly mindboggling for me.  The sporting world and the Seattle 12's moved from celebrating Pete Carroll’s unconventional choices and decisions to vilifying him for ONE play call.  One call that could have easily had a different result—a reception, touchdown and a Seattle repeat as the Super Bowl Champions.  The city would have gone berserk.  Celebrations and connectedness would have lasted for weeks.  Pete Carroll would be held up as one of the best coaches in NFL history.  We know life does not always work out they way that we want.  But instead of having empathy for the outcome, most have chosen to question and blame.

I wish we could put a magnifying glass on this immediate shift in our local societal behavior and had it play out in an alternative universe where we led with empathy and understanding instead of judgment and questioning.  There is so much to be gained by shifting the perspective because, just as the Seahawks have been providing us with incredible life lessons throughout their season, they are continuing to provide us with more in the face of defeat.  What if, instead of leading with frustration and anger, causing a shutdown to understanding, our community paused and thought about the gravity and impact that one play had on the people who were on the field.  This would lead to empathy and leave us open to learning from their real experience, creating more understanding, resulting in stronger connections as a community instead of separation.

After experiencing a few hours of disappointment myself, I realized I needed to continue celebrating this amazing football team.  As a former athlete and mother of two young boys, I am grateful for the messages Pete Carroll and the Seahawks continue to provide.  The path less traveled is never easy, it takes infinite courage and in the end, our world is a better place because of the courage of the individual!

The words and wisdom courageous individuals share from their real experiences can translate to every human being.  I hope for the day that our societal default will be empathy, support and understanding, so we always learn from each other and become more connected in this fast pace, crazy world.

I close with one of the many messages that has inspired me as a result of the Seahawks Super Bowl loss.  On Tuesday, Russell Willson share this on his Facebook page:

"Thank you to a good friend for passing this inspirational message along.  12's, share this with your friends and loved ones if you are already focusing on next season.  #DontQuit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit -

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned to late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Thank you Coach Carroll, Russell Wilson and all the Seattle Super Seahawks!!  We are incredibly lucky to have you in Seattle!