Father's Day Inspiration

Yesterday was Father's Day.  I celebrated with a phone call to my dad in Oregon and with my husband and our boys.  I enjoyed seeing Facebook posts/pics filled with gratitude and love for the great men in my friends' lives.  But I was most impacted by Father's Day and Facebook this morning when one friend's post shared a link to this blog post, "10 Things You Need to Know About Special Needs Dads".  Whether you have kids of your own or not, I hope you take a few minutes to read this man's poignant words.

Why I feel moved to share this man's words here is because I have a niece with special needs.  I have friends with special needs children.  Even with these close connections, I will never truly know the day-to-day lives they are living.  Their challenges and triumphs are as unique as the children they are raising.  Because the disability or diagnosis is something we do not have in common, there can be a tendency to talk about something we can both relate to--spouses, weather, sports, tv show, vacation, politics, etc. Sometimes, my own insecurities of not knowing how they are doing, saying the wrong thing or being unable to provide a solution to their challenges keeps me from saying anything.  This behavior keeps us from better understanding each other, learning from each other and supporting each other...truly being connected.

For years, I have had etched in my memory a brief moment in time.  I was in Hawaii, visiting my sister and her family. She and I were walking from her house to a neighborhood restaurant.  I was pushing my 2 year old son in a baby jogger.  She was walking ahead of me, pushing her 3 year old daughter in a wheelchair.  As we were walking past an outdoor restaurant, filled with diners, I caught sight of a woman look at my niece, her eyes darted to my sister and then even quicker she looked at her friend with a "oh that poor mother/little girl" look.  It broke my heart.  I was sad for my niece.  I was sad for my sister.  I was sad for myself having seen looks my sister would experience.  But I was also sad/angry for the woman because, in a split second, she made an assumption about the life of my niece and sister.

My sister is an amazing woman.  She was amazing before she had kids. She was amazing before her daughter's accident.  And she is even more amazing.  Not because of my niece's accident, but because of the compilation of her life experiences.  Forty four years of life make her uniquely amazing.

The quick assessment I saw that older woman make, I am sure happens often to my sister.  I have never shared with my sister what I saw and I have never asked her if she feels onlookers quick assessments.  Nine years have past and I have never asked out of fear of making her feel bad or sad.    I became a domino in the line that started with the woman's look.  I am making my own assumption of my sister's feelings instead of talking with my sister about it and her own experiences with strangers.
 Too often, thoughtful words, like this brave father's, are shared within a community that can commiserate with the experiences.  Too often poignant words are left "preaching to the choir".  His blog post came to me via a friend who is the father of a special needs child.  Movement and understanding will only happen when words like this father's are read by "mainstream" families and individuals.

What would happen if we put aside our assumptions or perceptions and shared openly or asked directly?  Special needs, different cultures, different lifestyles...if we lean in, connect, ask and share I know we will find that our unique challenges can be celebrated and supported instead of avoided or dismissed.  Today, I will lean in and have the long overdue conversation with my sister.  Perhaps she will give me a few of her favorite acknowledgements or conversation starters she has received from strangers that I should consider using in the future.  I will keep you posted.

To learn more about Abbie's journey in this life, visit my sister's blog she has kept for 10 years, "Pray for Abbie"

Last Post--"Hello Stranger"

Hello Stranger

***If you have limited time, skip reading my thoughts and go directly to this article, "Hello, Stranger".

In the last few years, people very close (i.e. husband & long time friends) to me have questioned my need for meeting new people, connecting with strangers, having coffee with someone I barely knew.  They assumed I must have some agenda that would be met or why would I be wasting my time?  I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with myself because I could not articulate a solid answer for them.  I began to feel guilty about my actions.  I began to question myself.  Why couldn't I just be satisfied with all the great people in my life?

Maya Angelou

The quick assumption that I was such an extrovert did not give me resolve.  For me, introvert vs. extrovert oversimplifies the need to connect with people (and sometimes provides an excuse for not connecting).  I have never viewed myself as an extrovert because I have introverted tendencies as well.  When people would say, "Tara, you can meet people because you are so extroverted.  It is easier for you, I could never do that."  I would try and tell them it was not easy for me.  I have not always been so open.  And with each person I open up to or approach, I have to fight my internal dialogue about what I think they may think of me or how stupid I may come off being.  Those feelings never go away.  But I have learned that most of the time I gain so much more than the potential embarrassment, judgement or dismissiveness I had imagined would happen.

For the past few year, all I could answer was that new people, new perspectives, new experiences fueled me.   For me (and those closest to me), that answer falls like a pile of poop on the floor...totally inconclusive.  And it made me feel like I did not value or care for the people I have in my life.

I considered ways to temper my passion for meeting new people:

• I have always been streetsmart not booksmart...maybe if I read more I would not need to meet as many people to fill me with knowledge.  
• Focus more time on my family.
• Do more GAMES Magazine puzzles from the stacks that have piles up untouched over the years.
• Rekindle my love of knitting.

But I was too far gone.  I had discovered meeting new people opened infinite doors to knowledge I would fall asleep trying to read about, new experiences/activities I could share my family and new hobbies I would have never discovered on my own at this stage of my life..."mid-life".  I am positive if tempered I myself, I would add the dreaded "crisis" to this stage of life.
Last night, I was forwarded this NY Times article, "Hello, Stranger".  It struck a major chord with me.  I love that people are studying connectivity and happiness.  Now, if we can all put some of their study exercises into practice without a reward of gift cards, I am sure the world would begin spinning a little smoother.  Happiness would grow and connectivity would increase.  Two of the most essential ingredients of life!  I felt like this article perfectly articulated what I struggled behavior I that fuels my soul.

In closing, I want to share a personal added significance to having this article brought to my attention.  It as forwarded to my by a beautiful, bright young woman, Catherine Roseman, who recently graduated from an east coast university.  Because my project has me meeting and befriending strangers, Catherine came into my life.  I met her mom while walking dogs in the park near my home.  Over the years, as we randomly crossed paths, she would share with me the highs and lows of her daughter heading to and through college. One day, she shared her thoughts that Catherine would be interested in the work I was trying to do.  Catherine had the fortitude to follow up on her mom's thoughts and knocked on my door at the beginning of her sophomore summer.  For the past two summers, she has worked with me and provide me with reassurance that my ideas are worth pursuing even when I clearly have no idea what direction I am going.  Yesterday, we sat and talked for a few hours about where we are at in life--the unnerving stage of finding employment or the next stepping stone in life for her and my desire to pursue my passion that has me feeling uneasy, as well as the mundane topics of raising and educating kids.  There is not an agenda either of us is trying to achieve through our connection except for sharing and learning from each other.  The conversation was stimulating and a reminder of how difficult every stage of life is, but also how fortunate we are to be living it and if we keep moving forward our current worries will resolve.  When Catherine left, I felt honored she would want to spend time with someone almost twice her age--I am not sure I would have found the courage to do that at her age.  She inspires me to keep moving forward instead of spinning in my insecurities.  And then she forwards me an article that helps me validate my own beliefs.  All of this received because I was open to talking with strangers.  Catherine Roseman, you are an angelic reminder to continue putting one step in front of the other and be open to the people and possibilities in my every day!

Last Post--"Perceptions and Reflections"