Yesterday morning, I learned of the passing of Maya
Angelou. Then, instead of sitting down
to do work I had sworn I would tackle, I did an online search
for her quotes. Quote after quote left
me in awe of a woman’s work I was embarrassed to say I had never read. So many quotes resonated with me. All day, I was bothered with myself that I
had not taken the time to read any of her work before. It wasn’t like I hadn’t known she was a
powerful writer (I am a lover of all things Oprah who was one of her biggest fans), I realized I let one event in college detour me
from discovering Maya Angelou’s work before her death.
All day, I sat in my office confounded because my personal
realization of the impact of one hour during my college lit class was a great
example of a topic that had been swimming in my head since my last post--my
belief that perception is a gigantic barrier to human connection, discovery and
personal growth. Not surprisingly (if you have read any of my previous posts), I am struggling with
how to concisely explain my thoughts and I fear creating an unintelligent ramble. Perception is multi-layered and the barriers come not just from individuals’
perception of others, but also from our self-perception and how we attempt to
control the perception others have of our self. I will share some of my own experiences and hopefully some of it will make sense or strike a cord of understanding.
First, I will start with the present—I just turned 43 and, in
the last year, I have been told countless times, “Tara, you are not normal.” I dismissed this at first, because I didn’t
really understand what it meant. I feel
normal. I am not trying to be
different. I’m having so much fun in
life, if this isn’t normal, I am glad I’m not.
But it left me wondering what is normal and why am I “not normal”. What I realized was the openness I had to meeting,
befriending, learning and sharing new experiences with people in my community
and globally was not normal. I so deeply believe in the
importance of cultivated human connectivity that I want to figure out a way to
make being open to “strangers” be more normal.
I started to think about the way I am able to create unique bonds after
just a minute or two of talking with someone I do not know. I have determined it is how I approach most conversation. I am open about my infallibilities and
hardships which opens a door for others to share some of their own. I will admit, sometimes there is a cringe
factor from my husband and friends because there are topics that seem to be
kept behind closed doors. But for me, if
I don’t share my difficulties with others, there would be no way to learn how
to overcome them, look at them from a different perspective or receive support that
I may unknowingly be in need of.
In recent years, unique conversations are happening more frequently because I have let my guard down more and more. The guard was my concern over and attempts to control the perception others have of me. I have come to realize the perception I have of myself (formed from my life experiences and my insecurities) is never going to match the perception others will have of me. I cannot control others perception, they will formulate their own perception of who I am based on their experience with me, where they are at emotionally when we cross paths, the background they come from and their own life experiences. But it is difficult to disassociate with caring about what others think. It feels like we are conditioned from a young age to fend off judgment, to “fit in”, to achieve. All of which creates insecurities that we fight to hide to avoid more judgment and our “guards” get thicker and thicker. It’s a wicked cycle. And it is frustrating because we are a society that espouses the beauty of uniqueness but being unique means standing out, not being "normal". It leaves you questioning if it is okay to be different. It is so much easier to just blend in and avoid judgement.
I have never taken a poll, but I am almost certain that 99.9%
of people have insecurities, habits and ways of doing things that they don’t
share to avoid judgment or being misperceived so they can just “fit in”. But the crazy thing is we are our own worst
critic and when an insecurity is shared, it will usually be met with
understanding, commiseration, empathy, support or encouragement. And then the big, scary thing you so badly
hated about yourself and were sometimes consumed by, melts away, the guard comes down a little
and human connectivity becomes more real and meaningful. If we openly shared our worries, insecurities, fallibilities we would discover that we are not alone, others have walked in our shoes before us, we can learn from shared experience, we can become more relatable and connected.
Since I feel like I may appear to be on a soap box, I will
share things I do to avoid judgment or, conversely, foster a positive judgment.
--the clothes I wear…depending on
the events of the day, there are countless questions I ask when I get dressed. “Am I too dressed up? Am I under dressed? Is this too tight? Do I look frumpy? Do I look fat? Do these clothes look as old and tired as I
feel like they are?” In the end, who
cares?? If someone is going to negatively
judge me on my clothes than they are probably not someone I need in my life, right? But I still think about it…
--I rarely share with people my
love of television, more specifically reality television. We are raised being told tv is bad and in the
last 15 yrs reality tv is really bad…I wouldn’t want anyone to think I am a
complete loser…”smart” people don’t waste their time watching tv, they read
books.
--I use make up concealer to cover
up splotchy red marks I created from my unfortunate love/addiction of popping
zits. (Really I don’t think the
concealer is hiding anything from anyone, but it at least makes me feel like it
is. This is a perfect example of how
doing something to control others’ perception is a waste of time, so why should
I even try. I should just be real and
get tips for resolving my “problem” instead of trying to hide it.) [I kind of can't believe I am not editing this out...so next time you see me and end up taking a closer look at my face because now you know one of my dirty little secrets, follow the inspection w/ any advice you may have...stomach is kind of doing backflips right now]
--I may downplay the fortunate life
my husband and I have worked hard to achieve to avoid a judgment I assume
someone would deduce. For example, I
rarely say my husband is an ER doctor to avoid the “doctor’s wife” stereotype. The reality is, this is totally pathetic of
me. I am assuming people will pass
judgment. They probably won’t, but if
they do, who cares. I know our reality
of how long and hard we worked to get to this stage in life and that is all
that matters. I should be proud, instead
of hiding my truth to avoid judgment.
Another example is I avoid saying we have house cleaners. The same reasoning is behind my omission.
--Daily I struggle with what to share here or getting back to work with The World in My Backyard because neither has a road map or tangible outcome and I worry about failing. "What would people think if it sucks? What if I write incomprehensibly and people question what I am doing?" So I procrastinate...easy way to avoid any judgment at all.
--I think about what I should or should not share on Facebook (or even that I think Facebook is great). How will people perceive my posts? Will people think I am over sharing? I don't want anyone to think negatively of me. This one I am getting over and I recently decided to to share when I feel moved to share and not think twice about what others will think (supposedly everyone who views my posts are my friends--so I really shouldn't worry at all).
The list could go on and on, but the truth is my recent Facebook realization should be carried over into my entire life. Because the reality is we think about ourselves more than anyone else does. Everyone is busy thinking about themselves, their families, their concerns, their hardships, their insecurities, their roller coaster of life to really care so much about mine. And if I lived life wide open without edit, others could support me, share with me, commiserate with me and I could learn that my worries are normal and surmountable.
Finally, this brings me back to yesterday’s discovery of
Maya Angelou’s work and the hour in my life 20+ years ago when a self
perception was cemented and was a detriment to my own personal growth. Although school had come easy for me, I never
really enjoyed reading or writing and did not think I was smart enough to
really get it. I always did the bare
minimum required to pass my advance lit classes in high school. I never admitted my uneasiness of the
subject. I remember very few classes of my college years, but one is sear into my mind. During my freshman year
of college, after finishing a required reading of “Their Eyes Were Watching God”, by Zora
Neale Hurston, I entered the classroom ready to review and discuss the American classic. The professor asked
people to share their thoughts on what the book was about. Hands shot up, the professor frantically
worked to keep up with the growing list of themes, morals and ideas students
were rattling off. As the list grew, I
shrank in my seat. It
was as if I had read a completely different book. I was a very literal reader and had
completely missed the allegory (I am not ever sure that is the right word—however
it was written, I just did not get it).
I felt completely stupid. Instead of admitting that I was lost and asking for help, I slipped out of the classroom and immediately went
to the registrar to drop the class. That
was that. I wanted to control others perception of my intelligence. I was sure I would be met with shocking abhorrence in my literary stupidity so I bailed instead of leaned in. I never told a soul. There were many things I was "good enough" at that I could mask my uneasiness with reading and writing...I would skate on through. That day cemented in my mind
that I was not smart enough to be an “intellectual” reader. I was confident I would
never understand anything written by African American women because I did not
get one literary work by one African American woman. I also stayed far away from American classics. If I couldn't understand on, I was sure I would not be smart enough to understand any. As I type, it seems so ridiculous to me that
I would make such a sweeping conclusion from one reading assignment. Yesterday, I realized because I had worked to control other’s perception of myself, I furthered my negative self perception as well as missed out
an opportunity to learn and be inspired.
I am thankful that, 20 years later, I have realized how much
can be learned from sharing my infallibilities.
There are things I am good at and many more that I cannot do, but admitting
what I cannot do opens the door for people who are great in those areas to share
their unique expertise and passions with me, ultimately creating unimaginable and invaluable connection.
Our world lost an amazing individual yesterday. I was alway ashamed that I never read her work, I truly believed I would not understand it. I am grateful my eyes have been opened to what I missed and it brought to light a deep-seeded insecurity that I can now put to rest. In honor of Maya Angelou, I close with her words that moved
me on the day of her passing and will be a source of inspiration for me from
this day forward. I will share a few more quotes without my commentary in the coming days, when I will be sitting down to finally get back to work on The World in My Backyard. If you made it to the end of this, I thank you!! And a final note that has me feeling a bit better about what I wrote, regardless of if it makes sense to anyone...I inserted all the images after I finished writing. The writing had nothing to do w/ the quotes and then when I went to insert some quotes, these seemed to fit perfectly. Leaves me with a sense of peace that I definitely need when I still feel so much discomfort with my sharing.
No comments:
Post a Comment