Seattle-Laotian WIMBY Connection

1.5.20 4:47am in Chiang Mai, Thailand...

Just hours before catching my Seattle flight on the I discovered my old, but very loved website, The World in My Backyard, was lost forever.  I was crushed because, although I had not updated it in many years, it held stories/work that I was looking forward to reigniting with the new year.  My goal with WIMBY was to meet, interview and photograph Seattle residence born in every country in our world.  It was a project that I worked on for a year and then had to back-burner due to work and family life.  That year was, hands down, the best year of my life as I met, learned from and was inspired by countless humans without having to venture far a foot or watch a screen to see the beauty of the human spirit.

I was momentarily devastated because I was about to board a plane to meet Xee Yang-Schell and her parents in Chiang Mai, Thailand a day before they would cross the Thai/Laos boarder to travel to the place of her birth.  I met Xee and her daughters seven or eight years ago while sharing a large, lazy Susan table enjoying dim sum in Seattle's International District.  Being the only adults at the table, with children of similar ages, we struck up a very enjoyable conversation.  As we were about to leave, and after learning Xee was raised in Seattle but born in Laos, I asked her if she would be open to meeting again and be my Laotian World In My Backyard subject.  A bright smile washed over her face and she agreed.  Below is a recap of what Xee shared with me during my "interview" with her.  

Today, I am trying to let go of the fact that technology is letting me down and hope that a blog post will suffice and I can find time to build a new website when I return and just be in the moment.  I am deeply passionate about the World in My Backyard.  I am saddened you cannot link to other stories today.  But today, I am living an experience that I could have never imagined and I hope my stories going forward will inspire people to connect with the world around them, as every person has a unique stories and perspectives that can teach us if we are open and slow down to take the time to connect with the world in different ways.

For the next 6 days, I will be with Xee and her parents as she returns for the first time to the hill tribe village in northern Laos where she was born.  I will be off the grid and immersed in a life and culture very different than the one I live in my daily life.  It will not be easy or comfortable but I know if will impact my life, challenge me and hopefully have me grow in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine, just like when I first met Xee so many years ago.  I am grateful for her letting a stranger in and sharing herself openly with me.  What she shared with me so many years ago inspired me and made me think a little differently and she continues to do that for me today making me more passionate to promote the importance to human connectivity...here is a little of her story.  I will have more to share very soon.  

My one ask today is if this moves you in any way, share it with a friend, send me a message, connect with a stranger...please do not stay silent...

Xee (prounounced "Sea") was born in 1972, along the Laos/Thailand border in Nam Yiew, Laos.  Her parents are from a more northern region, Luang Namtha, but were driven further and further south towards Thailand during the Vietnam War.

Memories before arriving in the U.S.:  “When I was two, my family had to flee Laos.  I have vague memories of being on the bottom of a boat [crossing the Mekong] and my mother covering us with a blanket to hide.”

“We stayed in Thai refugee camp for five years.  I remember very traumatic events like getting beaten up by other girls, being bullied.  During the first three years at the camp, we had an easier time because we were the first wave a refugees.  The Thai government and local people were tolerant of the refugees. As more and more refugees arrived, it became more crowded and the surrounding forests were over hunted and foraged.  The influx of refugees was too much strain for the local people, so a barbed wire fence was erected around the entire camp. We could not leave without permission. It felt like we were in prison and could not get out.”

Age when immigrated to U.S.: 1980 “I remember being at the airport, our fascination with the elevators.  We went up and down and up and down, over and over again. We flew via Tokyo and had to spend the night in a hotel.  We went up to our room and I remember they put us up really, REALLY high. We are people who had NEVER been off the ground.  We were all so scared to look out the window and look down. I remember peeking down and being fascinated with how high up we were.  I remember taking a bath in a bath tub. I Laos and at the refugee camp, we bathed in a tiny tub that you did not get in or we would just stand in the rain.”

“We had moved so much that I didn’t think much of another move [even though it was to a foreign country].  As long as I had my parents there, I felt secure.”

First memories of United States: “We lived in Shoreline.  Our first house was very small, but coming from a refugee camp where everything is really small, we thought the house was grand with plumbing and everything.  It was easier for my family to integrate because we were Catholic Hmong versus Animist Hmong. We found a church close to our home and it made the integration process easier because things were more familiar.”

Newly arrived in Shoreline, 8 years old.

“My father learned to drive and bought a Chevrolet station wagon for $800, but it died shortly after purchasing so we did lots of bus riding.  Our sponsor family drove us to important appointments and the husband of the first family we lived with when we arrived was a dentist so he took care of all our teeth.  We were so fortunate to have such loving people take care of our family when we first came to Seattle.”

Childhood memories:  “I think it was very difficult for my parents, but Hmong people have been migratory for centuries, so I think it was in their blood...survivalist...’we are here, we cannot go back, so let’s make the best of it.’  My parents just did what they could, got by with what they had and asked for help when they needed it.”

“My parents did a lot of different jobs.  I think my father worked in a manufacturing facility for a while, then a grocery store.  He was volunteering to help the Hmong people in Seattle and surrounding cities, it was a natural role for him.  I think he is a natural born leader. Eventually the Arch Bishop asked him to work at Our Lady of Mt. Virgin Church.  All different Laotian ethnicities gathered there. He has been there for almost 30 years. In the mid-1980’s, King County instituted the IndoChinese Farm Project to provide a vehicle for refugees to earn incomes through farming.  My father was one of the first people to be involved in the project. King County gave land in Woodinville to immigrants.  My mom started farming around 1987. She started growing vegetables but then, after she saw someone growing flowers, she started to grow them too.  When I was in high school and college, myself and my siblings would help her and she could go to more markets. She continues to farm to this day at the age of 63, but now just sells at Pike’s Place Market and the University Market.”

“I enjoyed school. I excelled and did better than other students, but I always felt different than other students.  There were not many Hmong people where we lived. I think I never felt like I completely fit in. I felt different. Nobody else but my family and my sisters had a similar experience.  Other kids couldn’t understand coming home, speaking a different language and eating different foods. My background and history was just so different. It was kind of lonely. My parents couldn’t help us with school.  They did always encourage us to do well, but they couldn’t help us. It was all up to us. However much motivation we had was what we had. ”

Xee, 13 years old

Where did your motivation to excel in school come from?:  "I think it was just me.  I wanted to have a different life than what we had.  We grew up very poor. I didn’t want to be poor. I knew that school was my way out and it would give me more opportunities.  I understood where we came from. The fact that my parents did not speak English when we arrived in Seattle, they could not get well paying jobs.  It was just the way it was but I thought it is not the way it will be when I get older.”

“I think being poor is really a blessing, if you look at it...we were creative.  We made our own toys. I remember making a dollhouse out of cardboard. I didn’t have a real dollhouse, but I could build one.”

“I had a personal expectation that I would go onto college.  I just wanted to be more educated. I saw a lot of poverty. People getting married young, not having a lot of opportunity so they were stuck...I wanted to do something different.  I wanted to do something with my life. I had to figure out the college process on my own. I studied and did well on the test [SAT] and received a scholarship to Seattle University.”

Xee was the first person in her family to attend college.  After graduating with an accounting degree she was hired by a local accounting firm.   "I realized accounting wasn't what I enjoyed at all, so I started helping my mother with her farming business.  I discovered I was good at it and could help my mother’s business. We made a good partnership for many years."

Following the adoption of her first child, Xee choose to be a stay at home mom.

You are an American but raised with a Hmong influence, how do you identify yourself?:  I am still trying to figure that out.  I am Hmong and yet I feel I am not quite Hmong either.  I don’t feel like you can be 100% Hmong unless you live where there are Hmong.  I don’t really feel very Hmong and that is probably why I didn’t marry a Hmong man.  I didn’t feel like I could live up to the Hmong standards in a relationship. Being a Hmong daughter-in-law, you get up early, you make breakfast, you go to work, you come home, you take care of the kids...you are doing everything.  There are a lot more expectations. There are a lot of parties you have to attend. Always busy, every weekend someone is having a party or a funeral if you live in a large Hmong community.”

Xee, 16 years old and in traditional Hmong attire.

Was there an expectation to marry a Hmong man?:  “Oh yes, my parents wanted all of us to marry Hmong.  They wanted us to stay in the culture because of all the divorces in the Caucasian population.  They were so afraid we couldn’t make it [multi-racial marriage] work. I dated three Hmong. The Hmong boys I dated, like me, were more Americanized and didn’t have cultural expectations of me.  But I knew their parents would. In the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn’t marry in the community because I didn’t want to be trapped by all the obligations. When my relationship with my caucasian boyfriend (now husband) became serious, my parents did not express any strong disapproval because they knew he was a good man.  I was the first daughter not to marry Hmong.”

“We had a beautiful Catholic ceremony in July and the following spring we had a traditional Hmong wedding.  It is a very long ceremony. It can take up to three or four days.”

What was your most difficult time in life: “Not being able to have children of my own was probably the biggest challenge of my life and I also realize that it is the biggest blessing of my life.”

“I come from a culture that has a lot of kids.  People were having kids left and right...all around me.  Now it doesn’t bother me, but back then, it was very hard to see someone get pregnant so easily and it doesn’t happen for you...you feel left out.  ‘What is wrong with me that I am being left out?’”

Xee and her husband chose to adopt.  “I don’t know if other first time parents feel this way, but I felt like, ‘what if I’m not qualified to be a parent.  If I don’t know what to do. If I am just not a good mother.’ I had a lot of doubt and fears and excitement.  We found out less than a month before we had to travel to pick her up. I remember vividly the day I got a call from my husband telling me the consulate appointment was scheduled.  I was at the market selling flowers with my mother and found out we would be traveling the next Wednesday to China to meet our daughter.”

Adoption:  “They bring in the baby.  She is so quiet, looking around, observing.  Of course, she is just so beautiful, but of course, there is no connection yet.  The woman hands me a baby and I hold her in my arms. It doesn’t feel real yet. I feel like I am holding someone else’s baby.  She is very sweet. Not a peep out of her as she is looking around. We finish our paperwork and go to our hotel room. She is sitting on the bed still very quiet, just observing.  I have this overwhelming feeling that comes over me...’Oh my gosh, this is a huge responsibility that I have taken on. I am going to to the very best I can for this little baby! What an awesome responsibility this is for me!’  I think it was at that moment that I felt like she was ours. When I think about that moment it brings tears to my eyes. It was just a really special moment when I realized she was ours...she belonged to us.”

“We waited three years to start the adoption process again...we waited too long...Chinese adoption had changed.  We waited five years. We decided it did not make sense to have another baby at that point so we said we would adopt an older child.  But even older, healthy children were hard to come by so we decided to switch to a special needs child. We reviewed a few files...it was difficult.  When you don’t accept a child, it is a rejection and you feel guilty. ‘Why can’t I take this child? This child just needs a home and love.’ But we had to be realistic, ‘Can I really take this child and give them the home they really need making them feel welcome and loved?’  After a few, we received a referral for our daughter, whose special needs was her eyesight.”

“It was very different with our second daughter because she was older.  The bonding doesn’t happen in just three or four days [as with an infant].  It takes much longer. A lot of habits had already formed that you have to undo.  There have been a lot of adjustments for everyone in the first year, but she is doing great, she loves school and my older daughter is just thrilled to have her sister here.”

Xee in Hawaii post college.

Did you ever feel like you were living between two worlds?:  Oh, I still feel that way.  Because of my unique background, I mean it is not so unique, but for the majority of people, they do not have the same experiences as I had.  So I feel like if I talked about my experiences, people wouldn’t really understand. I kind of feel like I’m not quite...I don’t have two feet in the American culture and I don’t have two feet in the Hmong culture.  I kind of have one foot in both and go back and forth and I am

A few more thoughts from Xee that have stayed with me:  “When we are young, we don’t think we will be in a place when we are older that we are still thinking about what we want to do when we are older.  {You think when you are older you will have life figured out] But now that I am in an older body, but my mind still has ideas about ‘what will I do...what am I going to do that will leave an impression when I die?’  I think about that a lot...’What is my purpose?’ What am I to do now that I am 40? Being 40 and not quite sure what I want to do when I grow up...still having those dreams of those who are in their 20s...which ones do I still have?  Which ones should I revise? As I get older, I try really hard to see the extraordinary in the ordinary because what if that is all there is?”

“I think when life is patched too nicely for you, you do not have a chance to grow.  I think that is why my “package” was all warped.” [Followed by BIG smiles]

How Tara connected with Xee:  My boys and I were seated at a lazy Susan table for dim sum in the International District as Xee and her daughters were finishing up their meal at the same table.

How Tara connected with Xee:  My boys and I were seated at a lazy Susan table for dim sum in the International District as Xee and her daughters were finishing up their meal at the same table.

If you are in Seattle and want to get started connecting with the world in your backyard, join me at the inaugural Conversations with The World In My Backyard gathering on January 23rd in Capitol Hill. https://www.eventbrite.com/o/29028469781.

Local Connection Opens Global Connection

Soon after I began The World in My Backyard project, I realized meeting new people for the project was providing me with more insight into life than just learning about world cultures, life journeys and Seattleites.  The connections began impacting myself and my family.  We were creating friendships with people outside of our "everyday" world, having new and exciting experiences in our city that we never could have anticipated or realized on our own.  The connections opened doors to new experiences in Seattle and ultimately other parts of the world.

After spending a few hours interviewing Harold Brandford, I was taken by his openness and approach to life.  I felt a kinship with him even though our backgrounds and age were different.  A friendship formed over a few meetings.  Conversations were shared about his upbringing in Barbados and the beauty of the island.  Because of Harold, my husband and I decided to use our travel miles and explore the birthplace of our new friend.  Because of the stories he had shared, I was motivated to see the places that impacted his life.  

Although we didn't have Harold with us as a tour guide, the stories and memories he had shared about his upbringing in Barbados provided us with a different vantage point to explore the island country.

We visited the home his father built

The door knocker still displayed his family name.

We visited the high school he shared so many memories of and when we strolled the grounds while the school was on Easter break.

We met a young man who, although he could have been home resting, chose to sit on campus and study for upcoming exams.  He was a year away from graduating with aspirations to go to medical school one day...I felt like I was transported back in time for just a moment and meeting Harold on campus in his youth.

We thought about Harold growing up coming to the fish market for the local catch.

During my initial meeting with Harold, he shared with me his first experience flying to New York at the age of 12.  "it was pretty amazing.  The airport in Barbados is really small.  This sounds really sad, but going to the airport on a Saturday afternoon and watching planes come an go was entertainment...that's was lots of people did.  There wasn't much to do on the island, so you would watch planes take off and land..."
We were amazed to discover, as we were driving past the airport one afternoon, that this pastime still remained 50 years later.  A long line of cars were parked along the fence line of the airstrip.  We decided to park and check it out.

We met this beautiful, vivacious man who listened to the flight deck & pilot interchange as planes were coming in for landing or taking off via a handheld radio.

 He was so excited to share with us all that he learned from listening and watching.   He spent hours upon hours with his family parked along the fence line.  He shared he was a surfing guide and rented cars to tourists, but his goal was to one day become an air traffic controller. He let my boys listen.  We were all enthralled by the coming and going of the planes...his passion for planes was infectious. 

Having the hometown connection with Harold changed our experience of exploring a country.
I never know where new connections will lead me, what  I will learn about myself, my neighbor or the world I live in.  What I do know is creating new connections has made my journey in life so much richer and I am grateful to others who are willing to open up their world to me!!

Meant to Be

Almost everyday since shifting my mind to move forward, there have been crazy, weird serendipitous connections or happenings. Nothing tangible or deeply meaningful

 if I were to explain each occurrence, but strangely they felt like constant reminders that I am moving in the right direction & meant to be exactly where I am at that moment. Every day I have woken thinking the random things for sure has to end, but every single day something has happened. And then yesterday I got smacked upside the head with one and now I am going to stop thinking it is just accidental. 

I know everyone thinks I talk to strangers all of the time. I really don't. I don't leave my house looking for a new connection, they just happen. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was working in my office most of the day. I then took my son and his friend to 

to scooter & run around at Jefferson Park while I ran the circumference of the park. When I finished my run, I did go to the car to get my camera...just in case. I sat down on a bench next to the skate park for 5 minutes. Directly across from me was a guy who had his back to me, but the way he was sitting on the step was so relaxed and for some reason I felt like I could talk to him. I really do not approach strangers very often without a reason, but this time, something about his posture made me feel like I should say hi and see what his story was...so I gathered my courage to feel strange as I approached. I said "hi" and learned that he was watching his son scooter too. I heard an accent in his voice and then the conversation turned to where he was from...The Gambia. We talked for a few minutes about Africa and his arrival in the States 24 years ago.  I decide to ask him if I could photograph him and have him be a part of WIMBY. He agreed and we exchanged names before I snapped a few pics. When he heard my name he said, "Tara? Did you say Tara?" Yes, I told him that was correct. "I have your name tattooed on arm..." WHAT??  My name is not that common and even when I meet another person with the same name, the spelling is often different.  He takes off his coat to show me and I am assuming it cannot be...and if my name is there, it will be spelled differently. I was floored when he pulled up his sleeve. 
What are the chances?  And he was only one of two people I talked to all day yesterday.  Serendipity? For me, it was an exclamation point that I need to keep connecting. I am constantly being reminded that people in front of us may be there for a reason, but we will never know if we keep our heads down or stay behind our imaginary walls.  Mohammed was such a nice man and I cannot wait to share his story soon with ‪#‎WIMBYbyDay‬.
You never ever know what can happen if you say hello!!

Starting With This Moment

I really wanted to post a follow on to my time with Robert.  It will come.  But today, I am moved to share the following.  The last week has been filled with great connections and imagery creation that I will start sharing later today but I must lead with this and I am hoping it will be the last time I write about self-doubt and motivation...it is time to get a move on!!

I have spent an enormous amount of time thinking over the past year while I tenuously try to maneuver through the weeks as a mom, wife and photographer.  I feel like there has been lots of thinking, lots of stress with minimal output.  Ironically, for the very first time in my life, I have discovered my life passion.  Since the lightbulb finally went off on what I want to do in life, I have struggled to understand why things just are not falling into place.  I've heard for over two decades now, "Figure out what you are passionate about and then follow it.  That is the key to happiness and "success" in life."  

I feel so lucky to finally be able to put a finger on what drives me but instead now feeling like I have a direction to go in I have felt paralyzed.  I have gone from a person of action, living in the moment and not worrying (too much) about how the future will unfold to someone that wants to know that I am taking the right steps to achieve the visions I have dancing in my head.  It has been a frustratingly scary place to be.  Especially given my place in life...middle-age (that sounds horrible when you still feel like you are 25 most of the time), mother of two healthy boys, house in a great neighborhood, husband with a great job, healthy family (immediate AND extended), great friends...what do I have to be unsettled about??!!  I have the life I had envisioned in my head over the past 20 years of hard work.  Why can't I just sit back, relax and settle into the life we have created.  Why can't I find contentment in the photography career I worked my tail off to create?  The self-doubt, the questioning, the future and what I am doing every day to move towards it has been ridiculously exhausting.  I want to rewind the clock a few years, before I began unearthing my true passion.  Why can't I just thankful for all the great photography clients, family and friends I have.  But that is not life.  It truly is a roller coaster filled with highs, lows and infinite unknowns that are out of our control.  

So today, the first week of Q2 2015, I am going to release the seatbelt that I have strapped myself in with this past year.  And get back to living life and leading my life without worrying about how it will go, what people will think, if I make sense, if I will be misunderstood or if I will fail in reaching my "undefined" goal.  I am actually right on track with the rough plan I gave myself for this new "job".  Q1 would be planning, Q2-4 was for executing the plan.  I'm going to ignore that my "plan" is not clearly defined and celebrate that I am in action on day three of Q2.

Here is what I know:

--I believe in humanity and we can learn from and be inspired by the people around us regardless of where you are on this planet.

1995 Ha Rankakala, Qacha's Nek, Lesotho

--I have had a life-long wanderlust that on the surface appeared a lust to travel the world.  I have come to realize it is not travel to see the sights of the world that fuels my wanderlust, but the doors traveling opens to connect with people from all walks of life.  I have never traveled the world to tick off the countries, I just wanted to be in places where I was a complete fish out of water.  My desire to be immersed in the unknown (travel w/o an itinerary, w/o a fluency of the local language, w/o knowing anyone in the region) always forced me to trust strangers and people who were vastly different than myself.  For 20+ years, the living and traveling in different parts of the world fueled my passion...human connectivity.  Having new, unforgettable adventures & experiences with and because of strangers, this was the driving force behind my sense of wanderlust.  

--Since the idea for The World in My Backyard came to me in 2012, I have realized I could have similar experiences and powerful connections with strangers without leaving the city I live in.

--People all over this world are more the same than they are different, but in our society, we tend to see each others differences and stay separated because we don't know how to bridge the gap or we make assumptions about an individual based on the difference.  Creating our own perceptions of who we think people are, even though we know perception is always different than the reality.  If we can be open to new connections the gaps will get smaller.

--I got stuck in my first year of the project because I wanted everyone to get to have the unbelievable experiences I and my family were having just because we were meeting strangers in this city.  The stories I have managed to share have resonated with a few people.  When I started w/ this idea, that was enough.  Somewhere along the line I got worried about how I was sharing or should share.  What the end result for my project or best vehicle for sharing should be so I stopped interviewing and sharing.  But people still tell me something I shared with them resonated and impacted them.  So I just need to get back to doing.

--I have never had a clear road map for any of my "achievements" or jobs...so why do I think this experience should be different.  I need to return to my 20 year old self and jump in with both feet trusting that I will find my way and that I am able to do good things.

--Being self-employed can be tough because it takes 100% self-motivation.  I need to hear feedback to know if I am hitting the mark or way off...and unfortunately, my office walls don't talk back!  Reflecting on my 17 yr. photography career makes me realize that I had quite a bit of self-doubt that I was forced to overcome because I had clients who had no idea I was questioning myself.  Each time I delivered my work to them, they reminded me that I was on the right track.  My work was good enough.  I continued to grow and improve.  That is what I have to believe will happen with this process.  So if you are reading this and you stick with me in the weeks and months to come, I would ask that once or twice this year send me a thought you may have, good or bad about the content I am sharing or how it resonated (or didn't) with you.  

--The content I will be sharing will not be succinct or uniform for each.  I am going to let myself off the hook from having a standardized form in which I share the individual stories because that is not how I think or function.  If I give myself that constraint, I will continue to stay paralyzed.  Feedback on what works or how it can be improved will help shape the process and ultimately, I will find what works best.

--If my work does not go beyond this year, whether I run out of emotional/mental steam trying to produce this on my own or I need to return to my photography business I will try my best to remind myself that it will not be a failed venture.  My biggest worry right now is having my kids see me give up on my dreams and discovered passion.  If I do not try, I am not living the words I preach to them.  If it does not pan, at least I stood by my mantra that nothing can change if you do not try.

Today, I will get back to sharing stories of people in The World in My Backyard (WIMBY).  Adding one new facet...there will be stories "By Country" (continuing to follow the original goal of meeting one person from every country in the world living in Seattle) AND "By Day".  

In the middle of writing this post, I had to step away to attend a school event for my 3rd grader.  This song was sung by the 4th grade class and the timing could not have been more perfect for me.  I often feel like I have a tiny little voice and what is the point of sharing...this song provides a reason...

"Starting with this moment, we can make a change.

If we love those around us, maybe they will do the same.

Though we have a small voice, and just a simple song.

Let's place it in the heart of another, so they can pass it on.

It starts with; one hear loving another, two hands reaching out,

We can cover the world with love.

Two voices singing together, one song ringing out,

we can cover the world with love....cover the world with love.  Cover the world with love."

--Cover the World with Love by Jerry Estes

I am going to print these lyrics and put them by my computer to remind myself that although my voice is small and the experiences I am sharing seem so simple, I am going to pass them on.  The ripple effect can happen if we all chip away at our fears and start opening up to the people around us.

If you reached the end of this, THANK YOU!  If you follow the stories to come and feel moved by them (whether positively or negatively), please let me know and I ask that you share with others.  I am not sure how to amplify my "small voice" work, I am going to rely on you to help me spread the stories and images.  "Like" The World in My Backyard  & Human Connectivity Conservationist on Facebook, send me ideas, offer your technology or editing prowess to my efforts.  Any support you can provide, I will be so grateful!!

A WIMBY By Day story will follow very soon.

Thank you.

Why Me??

How did I arrive at this place that has a strangle hold on my heart and head?  When what you are doing does not have a road map, you spend lots of time trying to explain the why (or at least that has been my experience).  There is not an hour in the day that passes without a thought, explanation, inspiration or experience that reminds me how essential and important human connectivity is.  The ongoing mental and emotional battle I struggle with is not being able to concisely articulate "The Why" of what I am doing because.  On any given day, my reason will be different (my husband will be the first witness to confirm that…which always has him scratching his head and thinking it would be better for me to stick w/ photography).  The list of whys is exhaustive.  Here are just a few that are rattling through my mind today:

• Although there has been progress towards equality for all citizens, our country continues to be divided by color, religion, money, education, age, sexual preference, gender, politics and personal choices--ironically all things that make our country one of the best places in the world to live.  There is constant conversation about diversity and the importance of equality for all but how do we move from conversation to action beyond individual groups having to fight to be understood and treated equally?  
• The pace of our society and technological innovation is creating a heads down (or in the cloud) culture.  Parents fear the amount of screen time their kids are having, but parents are just as heads down and tied into their devices and technology as their children.  Everyday the younger generations are seeing this behavior modeled, why wouldn't they follow our lead?  Technological connectivity is a part of life but instead of fearing and fighting it, we need to accept it and realize with the change we must consciously lift our heads and connect with the people in our reality.  Of course, it is much easier to stay heads down and now we have an excuse to do just that...we appear busy and connected but, more often than not, we are more isolated and lonely.  
• I clearly remember when I was little (I'm a '70s girl), our society was based on hope and prosperity.  I remember consistently hearing this is the land of opportunity and anything is possible.  There was a strong sense of national pride around the USA being a melting pot.  Just a few decades later and the pride and positive messaging has been replaced with fear--fear of failure, fear of others, fear of dying, fear of not being good enough, on and on and on!!  All this fear keeps us disconnected, questioning ourselves, questioning others, staying in our safe/comfort zone…DIVIDED.  Human connectivity with people different than you is essential to quelling the prevailing fear-based messaging we are bombarded by daily.

Since starting The WMB, I began hearing, "This is the land of opportunity and anything is possible" again…from immigrant subjects.  They are not jaded by the overriding current cultural messages (not sure how to say that).  Most times, they are so grateful and excited to be in the United States.  Most live without expectations beyond getting education, finding jobs and working hard.  They make new connections, they do not let fear guide them. Often they prosper and impact those around them in positive ways.  I want to get back to living in a society that is filled with pride for being a melting pot, not spewing vehement hatred.  I believe it is possible!

• When I connect with new people, they often reflect back to me the beauty and inspiration I do not see in myself.  This is fuel for my soul.  I know I tend to focus on what I am insecure about  It can be very depressing and isolating.                                                                      Acquaintances and strangers never see us through the same lens we see ourselves (and they are often too busy thinking about what they suck at or how they look to be as critical of you as you are to your self).  But it is scary because we assume people will see us for who we think we are…they don't…if you are open, willingly share a little about yourself, people will see you for WHO you are, which is a unique, one of a kind person.  
• It could be a random 20 second or 20 minute connection…it doesn't take much…but when they happen, they can be spirit lifting whether it is a shared laugh with a stranger, a shared perspective with someone you wouldn't normally interact with, a new secret skill learned…it can make your day just a little bit better.  So why wouldn't you be open to lifting your head and saying yellow???  (That is funny, that was a Freudian typo…I was actually thinking while I was typing that it isn't really just hello that will open the door, but a different question or remark…so maybe try saying yellow, not hello and see what happens!!)

You are probably getting the gist--I could go on and on, and I am not even sure if any of it is making sense…insert image of whirling dervish!!  But the answer to each of the issues, I believe, is the importance of human connectivity.  It matters and I must put my own insecurities aside and push my thoughts out and push on.

The one real truth I know is that life is super hard.  SUPER HARD!  Nobody is immune to the life virus.  Regardless of who you are, where you were born, how old you are, how much money you have, what job you have, how much family you have…every single life is on its own roller coaster and no one is immune to struggle, hardship, illness, loneliness or fear.  I remember when I was in my early 20s, I had zero idea of what I "wanted to do with my life"(the WORST question asked incessantly to teenagers & young adults).  I remember thinking, "I can't wait until I am 40 because then, at least I will know the answer and what I am doing with my life.  It will be so much easier then…"  I'm there...my 40s...my self-portrait, resume, accomplishments and family have changed, but life is not any easier.  Maybe my assumption that this is true for all people is off, but I can only go with what I know. LIFE IS HARD!!  But what I have learned is that the connections I have made in my life and being able to share my truth and struggles with others has helped me better move through life, find support, find inspiration, find commiseration, find acceptance and self-love instead of diving off the deep end.  And so, at 43, I cannot fully answer the Why Me question, but I know that I cannot ignore it.  I found this quote before the new year that deeply resonated with me. 

I hope you will follow me down this path aways and then create a few of your own!  You never know when you will impact someone or when you will be impacted but both will happen if you connect!

First Day

It is the first full work week of 2015.  Seven months have passed since I gave myself a promotion to a Human Connectivity Conservationist.  Eight blog posts in seven months…it’s been a demanding job!  In actuality, HCC has been on my mind all of the time but I needed to prioritize my “real” work, family and life.  And truth be told, my fear of putting my thoughts down on virtual paper was paralyzing…I let my fear win out and I stuck with what I knew I could do well—photography.  But after 17 years in business (no maternity leaves, to boot), I am taking 2015 off ("sabbatical" of sorts) to focus on the work I am passionately driven to do.  For the last 3 years I have dreamt about working full time on The Worldin My Backyard.  THREE YEARS!!!  And today is the Monday I get to start living that dream but my head has been spinning around one massive question, “What the heck are you doing?! “  Followed by “Where do I even begin?!!”  and “You really don’t have any idea what you are doing!!!”  Yep, I have spent the last week thinking, "be careful with you wish for"!!

Leading into the first work day of the year, I knew only one thing.  I would not be jumping right back into sharing content about the great people who are a part of The WMB.  I have BIG dreams for the project that will take time to lay the groundwork to build from.  I told myself I would clear my office of all things related to my photography business, clean (envision the space of a creative…organized chaos throughout the room), clean, clear out, clean AND write one HCC post.  When push comes to shove, this creative being can clean and organize Martha Stewart style.  Especially when filled with fear about doing the last task…clean, organize, avoid, worry, clean, day dream about all the connectivity thoughts screaming through my mind, all the while hoping I could be inspired to formulate my thought and hit "publish" but worried I would get to the end of the work day with just a clean office.  That was the direction my first work day of living my dream year was heading ntil I received a call at 9:26 this morning…

An hour into cleaning my phone rings.  I look at the caller ID and see a friend’s name that I think I have talked to on the phone maybe 10 times in the duration of our 15+ yr friendship.  My first thought was that something horrible must have happened to a mutual friend or her family.  Even after answering and a few minutes talking about kids getting back to school, work and holidays, I was still waiting for her to drop a bomb.  Something must have happened to motivate the call.  Neither of us are phone talkers—we text or see each other in person…something is bad but she just isn’t getting to it.  We keep talking and I am actually super psyched to actually start my day off talking with her and hearing her voice, but I am waiting for the bad news.  What could it be???

And then, ten minutes in, the answer surfaces and kind of knocks me over.  She said since it was 2015, she was starting something new.  She is going to call people when she is thinking of them.  “Texting and Facebook just aren’t doing it for me.  I have time when I am on my way to work or traveling with work to call people…I never do.  And now I am going to and I am starting with you because you inspired me a last year when you sent out a letter…”  Our conversation continued a few more minutes until she arrived at her office.  Her call seriously made my day.  It was simple.  Nothing earth shattering was shared but it was so good to hear her voice.  We both acknowledged how great real connectivity is.  It does not give you something tangible to hold up for proof of importance but I know my head and heart lift with even the smallest human connection.  It matters.  Ester Frey’s call this morning provided me with the little pebble I needed to carry me through the day.  And then stars begin aligning.

In the midst of writing this post, I went and found the letter I sent out to last year that she had referred to for her new years inspiration.  Last new years, I was inspired by my friend who had passed away the previous summer.  When I found the letter, I was surprised to see how I started it...January 6^th.  That is tomorrow.  Without Ester’s call, I would not have been inspired enough to write and hit “publish”.  Without her call, I would not have thought about last year’s writing.  And her call now has Stacey sitting at the top of my mind.  She was one incredible woman whose life ended way too soon.  As I sit here thinking of her, I remember EVERY SINGLE TIME we were together, somehow she let me know, whether through telling others about my work or a recent adventure of mine or telling me directly what she thought of me.  She always said she was my biggest fan.  So today, as I am embarking on my dream job (the scariest thing I have ever done), I know my biggest fan is cheering for me loudly and because of Ester’s inspiration to connect I am hearing Stacey loud and clear.   Tears are filling my eyes while confusion still clouds my head but I will follow my heart and my vision because I am lucky to be touched friends old, new and those unknown in the days ahead.  

In closing, I will share the card I sent out one year ago this week.  The picture above is from the front of the card.  In the left corner, you can barely my title for the image, "A New Dawn".  Fitting for today's post.  Happy New Year and may 2015 be a year to celebrate human connections, new, old, big and small.  I will be sharing mine here and I hope you follow along, share with friends and maybe even share with me how human connections have impacted you.

Perception and Reflection in Honor of Maya Angelou

Yesterday morning, I learned of the passing of Maya Angelou.  Then, instead of sitting down to do work I had sworn I would tackle, I did an online search for her quotes.  Quote after quote left me in awe of a woman’s work I was embarrassed to say I had never read.  So many quotes resonated with me.  All day, I was bothered with myself that I had not taken the time to read any of her work before.  It wasn’t like I hadn’t known she was a powerful writer (I am a lover of all things Oprah who was one of her biggest fans), I realized I let one event in college detour me from discovering Maya Angelou’s work before her death. 

All day, I sat in my office confounded because my personal realization of the impact of one hour during my college lit class was a great example of a topic that had been swimming in my head since my last post--my belief that perception is a gigantic barrier to human connection, discovery and personal growth.  Not surprisingly (if you have read any of my previous posts), I am struggling with how to concisely explain my thoughts and I fear creating an unintelligent ramble.  Perception is multi-layered and the barriers come not just from individuals’ perception of others, but also from our self-perception and how we attempt to control the perception others have of our self.  I will share some of my own experiences and hopefully some of it will make sense or strike a cord of understanding.  

First, I will start with the present—I just turned 43 and, in the last year, I have been told countless times, “Tara, you are not normal.”  I dismissed this at first, because I didn’t really understand what it meant.  I feel normal.  I am not trying to be different.  I’m having so much fun in life, if this isn’t normal, I am glad I’m not.  But it left me wondering what is normal and why am I “not normal”.  What I realized was the openness I had to meeting, befriending, learning and sharing new experiences with people in my community and globally was not normal.  I so deeply believe in the importance of cultivated human connectivity that I want to figure out a way to make being open to “strangers” be more normal.  I started to think about the way I am able to create unique bonds after just a minute or two of talking with someone I do not know.  I have determined it is how I approach most conversation.  I am open about my infallibilities and hardships which opens a door for others to share some of their own.  I will admit, sometimes there is a cringe factor from my husband and friends because there are topics that seem to be kept behind closed doors.  But for me, if I don’t share my difficulties with others, there would be no way to learn how to overcome them, look at them from a different perspective or receive support that I may unknowingly be in need of. 

In recent years, unique conversations are happening more frequently because I have let my guard down more and more.  The guard was my concern over and attempts to control the perception others have of me.  I have come to realize the perception I have of myself (formed from my life experiences and my insecurities) is never going to match the perception others will have of me.  I cannot control others perception, they will formulate their own perception of who I am based on their experience with me, where they are at emotionally when we cross paths, the background they come from and their own life experiences.  But it is difficult to disassociate with caring about what others think.  It feels like we are conditioned from a young age to fend off judgment, to “fit in”, to achieve.  All of which creates insecurities that we fight to hide to avoid more judgment and our “guards” get thicker and thicker.  It’s a wicked cycle.  And it is frustrating because we are a society that espouses the beauty of uniqueness but being unique means standing out, not being "normal".  It leaves you questioning if it is okay to be different.  It is so much easier to just blend in and avoid judgement.

I have never taken a poll, but I am almost certain that 99.9% of people have insecurities, habits and ways of doing things that they don’t share to avoid judgment or being misperceived so they can just “fit in”.  But the crazy thing is we are our own worst critic and when an insecurity is shared, it will usually be met with understanding, commiseration, empathy, support or encouragement.  And then the big, scary thing you so badly hated about yourself and were sometimes consumed by, melts away, the guard comes down a little and human connectivity becomes more real and meaningful.  If we openly shared our worries, insecurities, fallibilities we would discover that we are not alone, others have walked in our shoes before us, we can learn from shared experience, we can become more relatable and connected.

Since I feel like I may appear to be on a soap box, I will share things I do to avoid judgment or, conversely, foster a positive judgment. 

--the clothes I wear…depending on the events of the day, there are countless questions I ask when I get dressed.  “Am I too dressed up?  Am I under dressed?  Is this too tight?  Do I look frumpy?  Do I look fat?  Do these clothes look as old and tired as I feel like they are?”  In the end, who cares??  If someone is going to negatively judge me on my clothes than they are probably not someone I need in my life, right?  But I still think about it…

--I rarely share with people my love of television, more specifically reality television.  We are raised being told tv is bad and in the last 15 yrs reality tv is really bad…I wouldn’t want anyone to think I am a complete loser…”smart” people don’t waste their time watching tv, they read books. 

--I use make up concealer to cover up splotchy red marks I created from my unfortunate love/addiction of popping zits.  (Really I don’t think the concealer is hiding anything from anyone, but it at least makes me feel like it is.  This is a perfect example of how doing something to control others’ perception is a waste of time, so why should I even try.  I should just be real and get tips for resolving my “problem” instead of trying to hide it.) [I kind of can't believe I am not editing this out...so next time you see me and end up taking a closer look at my face because now you know one of my dirty little secrets, follow the inspection w/ any advice you may have...stomach is kind of doing backflips right now]

--I may downplay the fortunate life my husband and I have worked hard to achieve to avoid a judgment I assume someone would deduce.  For example, I rarely say my husband is an ER doctor to avoid the “doctor’s wife” stereotype.  The reality is, this is totally pathetic of me.  I am assuming people will pass judgment.  They probably won’t, but if they do, who cares.  I know our reality of how long and hard we worked to get to this stage in life and that is all that matters.  I should be proud, instead of hiding my truth to avoid judgment.  Another example is I avoid saying we have house cleaners.  The same reasoning is behind my omission. 

--Daily I struggle with what to share here or getting back to work with The World in My Backyard because neither has a road map or tangible outcome and I worry about failing.  "What would people think if it sucks?  What if I write incomprehensibly and people question what I am doing?"  So I procrastinate...easy way to avoid any judgment at all. 

--I think about what I should or should not share on Facebook (or even that I think Facebook is great).  How will people  perceive my posts?  Will people think I am over sharing?  I don't want anyone to think negatively of me.  This one I am getting over and I recently decided to to share when I feel moved to share and not think twice about what others will think (supposedly everyone who views my posts are my friends--so I really shouldn't worry at all).

The list could go on and on, but the truth is my recent Facebook realization should be carried over into my entire life.  Because the reality is we think about ourselves more than anyone else does.  Everyone is busy thinking about themselves, their families, their concerns, their hardships, their insecurities, their roller coaster of life to really care so much about mine.  And if I lived life wide open without edit, others could support me, share with me, commiserate with me and I could learn that my worries are normal and surmountable.

Finally, this brings me back to yesterday’s discovery of Maya Angelou’s work and the hour in my life 20+ years ago when a self perception was cemented and was a detriment to my own personal growth.  Although school had come easy for me, I never really enjoyed reading or writing and did not think I was smart enough to really get it.  I always did the bare minimum required to pass my advance lit classes in high school.  I never admitted my uneasiness of the subject.  I remember very few classes of my college years, but one is sear into my mind.  During my freshman year of college, after finishing a required reading of “Their Eyes Were Watching God”, by Zora Neale Hurston, I entered the classroom ready to review and discuss the American classic.  The professor asked people to share their thoughts on what the book was about.  Hands shot up, the professor frantically worked to keep up with the growing list of themes, morals and ideas students were rattling off.  As the list grew, I shrank in my seat.  It was as if I had read a completely different book.  I was a very literal reader and had completely missed the allegory (I am not ever sure that is the right word—however it was written, I just did not get it).  I felt completely stupid.  Instead of admitting that I was lost and asking for help, I slipped out of the classroom and immediately went to the registrar to drop the class.  That was that.  I wanted to control others perception of my intelligence.  I was sure I would be met with shocking abhorrence in my literary stupidity so I bailed instead of leaned in.  I never told a soul.  There were many things I was "good enough" at that I could mask my uneasiness with reading and writing...I would skate on through.  That day cemented in my mind that I was not smart enough to be an “intellectual” reader.  I was confident I would never understand anything written by African American women because I did not get one literary work by one African American woman.  I also stayed far away from American classics.  If I couldn't understand on, I was sure I would not be smart enough to understand any.  As I type, it seems so ridiculous to me that I would make such a sweeping conclusion from one reading assignment.  Yesterday, I realized because I had worked to control other’s perception of myself, I furthered my negative self perception as well as missed out an opportunity to learn and be inspired. 

I am thankful that, 20 years later, I have realized how much can be learned from sharing my infallibilities.  There are things I am good at and many more that I cannot do, but admitting what I cannot do opens the door for people who are great in those areas to share their unique expertise and passions with me, ultimately creating unimaginable and invaluable connection.

Our world lost an amazing individual yesterday.  I was alway ashamed that I never read her work, I truly believed I would not understand it.  I am grateful my eyes have been opened to what I missed and it brought to light a deep-seeded insecurity that I can now put to rest.  In honor of Maya Angelou, I close with her words that moved me on the day of her passing and will be a source of inspiration for me from this day forward.  I will share a few more quotes without my commentary in the coming days, when I will be sitting down to finally get back to work on The World in My Backyard.  If you made it to the end of this, I thank you!!  And a final note that has me feeling a bit better about what I wrote, regardless of if it makes sense to anyone...I inserted all the images after I finished writing.  The writing had nothing to do w/ the quotes and then when I went to insert some quotes, these seemed to fit perfectly.  Leaves me with a sense of peace that I definitely need when I still feel so much discomfort with my sharing.

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