Seattle-Laotian WIMBY Connection

1.5.20 4:47am in Chiang Mai, Thailand...

Just hours before catching my Seattle flight on the I discovered my old, but very loved website, The World in My Backyard, was lost forever.  I was crushed because, although I had not updated it in many years, it held stories/work that I was looking forward to reigniting with the new year.  My goal with WIMBY was to meet, interview and photograph Seattle residence born in every country in our world.  It was a project that I worked on for a year and then had to back-burner due to work and family life.  That year was, hands down, the best year of my life as I met, learned from and was inspired by countless humans without having to venture far a foot or watch a screen to see the beauty of the human spirit.

I was momentarily devastated because I was about to board a plane to meet Xee Yang-Schell and her parents in Chiang Mai, Thailand a day before they would cross the Thai/Laos boarder to travel to the place of her birth.  I met Xee and her daughters seven or eight years ago while sharing a large, lazy Susan table enjoying dim sum in Seattle's International District.  Being the only adults at the table, with children of similar ages, we struck up a very enjoyable conversation.  As we were about to leave, and after learning Xee was raised in Seattle but born in Laos, I asked her if she would be open to meeting again and be my Laotian World In My Backyard subject.  A bright smile washed over her face and she agreed.  Below is a recap of what Xee shared with me during my "interview" with her.  

Today, I am trying to let go of the fact that technology is letting me down and hope that a blog post will suffice and I can find time to build a new website when I return and just be in the moment.  I am deeply passionate about the World in My Backyard.  I am saddened you cannot link to other stories today.  But today, I am living an experience that I could have never imagined and I hope my stories going forward will inspire people to connect with the world around them, as every person has a unique stories and perspectives that can teach us if we are open and slow down to take the time to connect with the world in different ways.

For the next 6 days, I will be with Xee and her parents as she returns for the first time to the hill tribe village in northern Laos where she was born.  I will be off the grid and immersed in a life and culture very different than the one I live in my daily life.  It will not be easy or comfortable but I know if will impact my life, challenge me and hopefully have me grow in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine, just like when I first met Xee so many years ago.  I am grateful for her letting a stranger in and sharing herself openly with me.  What she shared with me so many years ago inspired me and made me think a little differently and she continues to do that for me today making me more passionate to promote the importance to human connectivity...here is a little of her story.  I will have more to share very soon.  

My one ask today is if this moves you in any way, share it with a friend, send me a message, connect with a stranger...please do not stay silent...

Xee (prounounced "Sea") was born in 1972, along the Laos/Thailand border in Nam Yiew, Laos.  Her parents are from a more northern region, Luang Namtha, but were driven further and further south towards Thailand during the Vietnam War.

Memories before arriving in the U.S.:  “When I was two, my family had to flee Laos.  I have vague memories of being on the bottom of a boat [crossing the Mekong] and my mother covering us with a blanket to hide.”

“We stayed in Thai refugee camp for five years.  I remember very traumatic events like getting beaten up by other girls, being bullied.  During the first three years at the camp, we had an easier time because we were the first wave a refugees.  The Thai government and local people were tolerant of the refugees. As more and more refugees arrived, it became more crowded and the surrounding forests were over hunted and foraged.  The influx of refugees was too much strain for the local people, so a barbed wire fence was erected around the entire camp. We could not leave without permission. It felt like we were in prison and could not get out.”

Age when immigrated to U.S.: 1980 “I remember being at the airport, our fascination with the elevators.  We went up and down and up and down, over and over again. We flew via Tokyo and had to spend the night in a hotel.  We went up to our room and I remember they put us up really, REALLY high. We are people who had NEVER been off the ground.  We were all so scared to look out the window and look down. I remember peeking down and being fascinated with how high up we were.  I remember taking a bath in a bath tub. I Laos and at the refugee camp, we bathed in a tiny tub that you did not get in or we would just stand in the rain.”

“We had moved so much that I didn’t think much of another move [even though it was to a foreign country].  As long as I had my parents there, I felt secure.”

First memories of United States: “We lived in Shoreline.  Our first house was very small, but coming from a refugee camp where everything is really small, we thought the house was grand with plumbing and everything.  It was easier for my family to integrate because we were Catholic Hmong versus Animist Hmong. We found a church close to our home and it made the integration process easier because things were more familiar.”

Newly arrived in Shoreline, 8 years old.

“My father learned to drive and bought a Chevrolet station wagon for $800, but it died shortly after purchasing so we did lots of bus riding.  Our sponsor family drove us to important appointments and the husband of the first family we lived with when we arrived was a dentist so he took care of all our teeth.  We were so fortunate to have such loving people take care of our family when we first came to Seattle.”

Childhood memories:  “I think it was very difficult for my parents, but Hmong people have been migratory for centuries, so I think it was in their blood...survivalist...’we are here, we cannot go back, so let’s make the best of it.’  My parents just did what they could, got by with what they had and asked for help when they needed it.”

“My parents did a lot of different jobs.  I think my father worked in a manufacturing facility for a while, then a grocery store.  He was volunteering to help the Hmong people in Seattle and surrounding cities, it was a natural role for him.  I think he is a natural born leader. Eventually the Arch Bishop asked him to work at Our Lady of Mt. Virgin Church.  All different Laotian ethnicities gathered there. He has been there for almost 30 years. In the mid-1980’s, King County instituted the IndoChinese Farm Project to provide a vehicle for refugees to earn incomes through farming.  My father was one of the first people to be involved in the project. King County gave land in Woodinville to immigrants.  My mom started farming around 1987. She started growing vegetables but then, after she saw someone growing flowers, she started to grow them too.  When I was in high school and college, myself and my siblings would help her and she could go to more markets. She continues to farm to this day at the age of 63, but now just sells at Pike’s Place Market and the University Market.”

“I enjoyed school. I excelled and did better than other students, but I always felt different than other students.  There were not many Hmong people where we lived. I think I never felt like I completely fit in. I felt different. Nobody else but my family and my sisters had a similar experience.  Other kids couldn’t understand coming home, speaking a different language and eating different foods. My background and history was just so different. It was kind of lonely. My parents couldn’t help us with school.  They did always encourage us to do well, but they couldn’t help us. It was all up to us. However much motivation we had was what we had. ”

Xee, 13 years old

Where did your motivation to excel in school come from?:  "I think it was just me.  I wanted to have a different life than what we had.  We grew up very poor. I didn’t want to be poor. I knew that school was my way out and it would give me more opportunities.  I understood where we came from. The fact that my parents did not speak English when we arrived in Seattle, they could not get well paying jobs.  It was just the way it was but I thought it is not the way it will be when I get older.”

“I think being poor is really a blessing, if you look at it...we were creative.  We made our own toys. I remember making a dollhouse out of cardboard. I didn’t have a real dollhouse, but I could build one.”

“I had a personal expectation that I would go onto college.  I just wanted to be more educated. I saw a lot of poverty. People getting married young, not having a lot of opportunity so they were stuck...I wanted to do something different.  I wanted to do something with my life. I had to figure out the college process on my own. I studied and did well on the test [SAT] and received a scholarship to Seattle University.”

Xee was the first person in her family to attend college.  After graduating with an accounting degree she was hired by a local accounting firm.   "I realized accounting wasn't what I enjoyed at all, so I started helping my mother with her farming business.  I discovered I was good at it and could help my mother’s business. We made a good partnership for many years."

Following the adoption of her first child, Xee choose to be a stay at home mom.

You are an American but raised with a Hmong influence, how do you identify yourself?:  I am still trying to figure that out.  I am Hmong and yet I feel I am not quite Hmong either.  I don’t feel like you can be 100% Hmong unless you live where there are Hmong.  I don’t really feel very Hmong and that is probably why I didn’t marry a Hmong man.  I didn’t feel like I could live up to the Hmong standards in a relationship. Being a Hmong daughter-in-law, you get up early, you make breakfast, you go to work, you come home, you take care of the kids...you are doing everything.  There are a lot more expectations. There are a lot of parties you have to attend. Always busy, every weekend someone is having a party or a funeral if you live in a large Hmong community.”

Xee, 16 years old and in traditional Hmong attire.

Was there an expectation to marry a Hmong man?:  “Oh yes, my parents wanted all of us to marry Hmong.  They wanted us to stay in the culture because of all the divorces in the Caucasian population.  They were so afraid we couldn’t make it [multi-racial marriage] work. I dated three Hmong. The Hmong boys I dated, like me, were more Americanized and didn’t have cultural expectations of me.  But I knew their parents would. In the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn’t marry in the community because I didn’t want to be trapped by all the obligations. When my relationship with my caucasian boyfriend (now husband) became serious, my parents did not express any strong disapproval because they knew he was a good man.  I was the first daughter not to marry Hmong.”

“We had a beautiful Catholic ceremony in July and the following spring we had a traditional Hmong wedding.  It is a very long ceremony. It can take up to three or four days.”

What was your most difficult time in life: “Not being able to have children of my own was probably the biggest challenge of my life and I also realize that it is the biggest blessing of my life.”

“I come from a culture that has a lot of kids.  People were having kids left and right...all around me.  Now it doesn’t bother me, but back then, it was very hard to see someone get pregnant so easily and it doesn’t happen for you...you feel left out.  ‘What is wrong with me that I am being left out?’”

Xee and her husband chose to adopt.  “I don’t know if other first time parents feel this way, but I felt like, ‘what if I’m not qualified to be a parent.  If I don’t know what to do. If I am just not a good mother.’ I had a lot of doubt and fears and excitement.  We found out less than a month before we had to travel to pick her up. I remember vividly the day I got a call from my husband telling me the consulate appointment was scheduled.  I was at the market selling flowers with my mother and found out we would be traveling the next Wednesday to China to meet our daughter.”

Adoption:  “They bring in the baby.  She is so quiet, looking around, observing.  Of course, she is just so beautiful, but of course, there is no connection yet.  The woman hands me a baby and I hold her in my arms. It doesn’t feel real yet. I feel like I am holding someone else’s baby.  She is very sweet. Not a peep out of her as she is looking around. We finish our paperwork and go to our hotel room. She is sitting on the bed still very quiet, just observing.  I have this overwhelming feeling that comes over me...’Oh my gosh, this is a huge responsibility that I have taken on. I am going to to the very best I can for this little baby! What an awesome responsibility this is for me!’  I think it was at that moment that I felt like she was ours. When I think about that moment it brings tears to my eyes. It was just a really special moment when I realized she was ours...she belonged to us.”

“We waited three years to start the adoption process again...we waited too long...Chinese adoption had changed.  We waited five years. We decided it did not make sense to have another baby at that point so we said we would adopt an older child.  But even older, healthy children were hard to come by so we decided to switch to a special needs child. We reviewed a few files...it was difficult.  When you don’t accept a child, it is a rejection and you feel guilty. ‘Why can’t I take this child? This child just needs a home and love.’ But we had to be realistic, ‘Can I really take this child and give them the home they really need making them feel welcome and loved?’  After a few, we received a referral for our daughter, whose special needs was her eyesight.”

“It was very different with our second daughter because she was older.  The bonding doesn’t happen in just three or four days [as with an infant].  It takes much longer. A lot of habits had already formed that you have to undo.  There have been a lot of adjustments for everyone in the first year, but she is doing great, she loves school and my older daughter is just thrilled to have her sister here.”

Xee in Hawaii post college.

Did you ever feel like you were living between two worlds?:  Oh, I still feel that way.  Because of my unique background, I mean it is not so unique, but for the majority of people, they do not have the same experiences as I had.  So I feel like if I talked about my experiences, people wouldn’t really understand. I kind of feel like I’m not quite...I don’t have two feet in the American culture and I don’t have two feet in the Hmong culture.  I kind of have one foot in both and go back and forth and I am

A few more thoughts from Xee that have stayed with me:  “When we are young, we don’t think we will be in a place when we are older that we are still thinking about what we want to do when we are older.  {You think when you are older you will have life figured out] But now that I am in an older body, but my mind still has ideas about ‘what will I do...what am I going to do that will leave an impression when I die?’  I think about that a lot...’What is my purpose?’ What am I to do now that I am 40? Being 40 and not quite sure what I want to do when I grow up...still having those dreams of those who are in their 20s...which ones do I still have?  Which ones should I revise? As I get older, I try really hard to see the extraordinary in the ordinary because what if that is all there is?”

“I think when life is patched too nicely for you, you do not have a chance to grow.  I think that is why my “package” was all warped.” [Followed by BIG smiles]

How Tara connected with Xee:  My boys and I were seated at a lazy Susan table for dim sum in the International District as Xee and her daughters were finishing up their meal at the same table.

How Tara connected with Xee:  My boys and I were seated at a lazy Susan table for dim sum in the International District as Xee and her daughters were finishing up their meal at the same table.

If you are in Seattle and want to get started connecting with the world in your backyard, join me at the inaugural Conversations with The World In My Backyard gathering on January 23rd in Capitol Hill. https://www.eventbrite.com/o/29028469781.

Local Connection Opens Global Connection

Soon after I began The World in My Backyard project, I realized meeting new people for the project was providing me with more insight into life than just learning about world cultures, life journeys and Seattleites.  The connections began impacting myself and my family.  We were creating friendships with people outside of our "everyday" world, having new and exciting experiences in our city that we never could have anticipated or realized on our own.  The connections opened doors to new experiences in Seattle and ultimately other parts of the world.

After spending a few hours interviewing Harold Brandford, I was taken by his openness and approach to life.  I felt a kinship with him even though our backgrounds and age were different.  A friendship formed over a few meetings.  Conversations were shared about his upbringing in Barbados and the beauty of the island.  Because of Harold, my husband and I decided to use our travel miles and explore the birthplace of our new friend.  Because of the stories he had shared, I was motivated to see the places that impacted his life.  

Although we didn't have Harold with us as a tour guide, the stories and memories he had shared about his upbringing in Barbados provided us with a different vantage point to explore the island country.

We visited the home his father built

The door knocker still displayed his family name.

We visited the high school he shared so many memories of and when we strolled the grounds while the school was on Easter break.

We met a young man who, although he could have been home resting, chose to sit on campus and study for upcoming exams.  He was a year away from graduating with aspirations to go to medical school one day...I felt like I was transported back in time for just a moment and meeting Harold on campus in his youth.

We thought about Harold growing up coming to the fish market for the local catch.

During my initial meeting with Harold, he shared with me his first experience flying to New York at the age of 12.  "it was pretty amazing.  The airport in Barbados is really small.  This sounds really sad, but going to the airport on a Saturday afternoon and watching planes come an go was entertainment...that's was lots of people did.  There wasn't much to do on the island, so you would watch planes take off and land..."
We were amazed to discover, as we were driving past the airport one afternoon, that this pastime still remained 50 years later.  A long line of cars were parked along the fence line of the airstrip.  We decided to park and check it out.

We met this beautiful, vivacious man who listened to the flight deck & pilot interchange as planes were coming in for landing or taking off via a handheld radio.

 He was so excited to share with us all that he learned from listening and watching.   He spent hours upon hours with his family parked along the fence line.  He shared he was a surfing guide and rented cars to tourists, but his goal was to one day become an air traffic controller. He let my boys listen.  We were all enthralled by the coming and going of the planes...his passion for planes was infectious. 

Having the hometown connection with Harold changed our experience of exploring a country.
I never know where new connections will lead me, what  I will learn about myself, my neighbor or the world I live in.  What I do know is creating new connections has made my journey in life so much richer and I am grateful to others who are willing to open up their world to me!!

Meant to Be

Almost everyday since shifting my mind to move forward, there have been crazy, weird serendipitous connections or happenings. Nothing tangible or deeply meaningful

 if I were to explain each occurrence, but strangely they felt like constant reminders that I am moving in the right direction & meant to be exactly where I am at that moment. Every day I have woken thinking the random things for sure has to end, but every single day something has happened. And then yesterday I got smacked upside the head with one and now I am going to stop thinking it is just accidental. 

I know everyone thinks I talk to strangers all of the time. I really don't. I don't leave my house looking for a new connection, they just happen. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was working in my office most of the day. I then took my son and his friend to 

to scooter & run around at Jefferson Park while I ran the circumference of the park. When I finished my run, I did go to the car to get my camera...just in case. I sat down on a bench next to the skate park for 5 minutes. Directly across from me was a guy who had his back to me, but the way he was sitting on the step was so relaxed and for some reason I felt like I could talk to him. I really do not approach strangers very often without a reason, but this time, something about his posture made me feel like I should say hi and see what his story was...so I gathered my courage to feel strange as I approached. I said "hi" and learned that he was watching his son scooter too. I heard an accent in his voice and then the conversation turned to where he was from...The Gambia. We talked for a few minutes about Africa and his arrival in the States 24 years ago.  I decide to ask him if I could photograph him and have him be a part of WIMBY. He agreed and we exchanged names before I snapped a few pics. When he heard my name he said, "Tara? Did you say Tara?" Yes, I told him that was correct. "I have your name tattooed on arm..." WHAT??  My name is not that common and even when I meet another person with the same name, the spelling is often different.  He takes off his coat to show me and I am assuming it cannot be...and if my name is there, it will be spelled differently. I was floored when he pulled up his sleeve. 
What are the chances?  And he was only one of two people I talked to all day yesterday.  Serendipity? For me, it was an exclamation point that I need to keep connecting. I am constantly being reminded that people in front of us may be there for a reason, but we will never know if we keep our heads down or stay behind our imaginary walls.  Mohammed was such a nice man and I cannot wait to share his story soon with ‪#‎WIMBYbyDay‬.
You never ever know what can happen if you say hello!!

Ex Con. Ice Breaker. SOUL SHAKER.

Upon walked into the lobby waiting room for a therapist in Madison Park (an affluent neighborhood in Seattle), there was a disheveled, Snoop Dogg dead ringer, with tear drop tattoos and plastic bags next to him.  Ashamedly, my immediate thought was, "Is this man homeless and just walked off the street for a warm, dry spot to sit?"  He presence was so incongruous with the people I had seen in this office, or the upscale neighborhood, for that matter.  I put my head down, walked past both and sat on an empty sofa.  

I grabbed a magazine and quickly busied myself.  I only have my own experience to draw on, but in therapist waiting areas people rarely seem to make eye contact or talk.  Is there shame or embarrassment we are trying to avoid?  Aren't we all seeking help? But the vibe is always if I don't make eye contact with you, you will do the same for me and we can hide behind the imaginary wall and pretend no one is struggling. 

Minutes passed, I thought about the man in the room with me.  I did not make eye contact with him, but I was curious about him.   Why didn't I acknowledge his presence?  I think I am a nice person.  Why can't I look up?  "Keep flipping through the shiny Seattle Magazine.  I didn't want him to think I was judging him.  "Head down until your therapist calls your name," I said to myself.  "Maybe he is homeless and if I open the door with a 'hello', I won't be able to shut it??"  Total avoidance of another person's presence in a small space...that didn't feel great but I convinced myself that was the better option.  

A voice shook me out of my bubble.  I look up to find an inquisitive gaze followed by, "Excuse me, this is my first time here.  Do you just wait for a person to come and call you back?"  His simple question broke through the wall of silence.  

"Yes, whoever you are meeting will come and call your name," I reply.  And then, not wanting to continue my closed off position, I ask the question I ask most to people I do not know, "Are you from Seattle?"  "No, am from Missouri, I have only been in Seattle a few months."  

"That is a big move.  What brought you out to Seattle?  Friends or family?  How have you found Seattle to be?" I asked.  

"I needed to get away from Missouri, I came alone and it has been tough because it seems like people here are not friendly.  They don't like to be asked questions.  Compared to Missouri, they are not really that friendly."

I said, "Seattle is filled with very nice people, but it does take quite a bit of time to get to know people, 'Seattle nice, Seattle ice.'"

He had not heard that term before, but said he definitely has experienced it.  Just then my therapist arrived.  I had to quickly depart.  As I walked past him, I said goodbye and good luck....on with my day. 

I walked down the long hallway to my therapist's office thinking, I was thankful he asked me a question and stepped through the wall of silence.  I am not sure I would have done the same if I was in a place where I was a fish out of water as clearly as he was.  The  brief experience, although very minor impacted me but I couldn't put my finger on why.  On with my day...

Following my hour appointment, when I returned to the lobby, there he was, loading up his plastic bags.  I asked,"Did it all work out?  Did your counselor come?"

"It turned out I had the wrong time.  My appointment wasn't until 12:30.  So I need to come back in an hour." 

I mentioned there was a beautiful lakeside park just a few blocks away where he could sit while he waited.  His counselor had shared that with him too.  I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and I was thankful he asked me a question to take me out of my own space that morning.  I asked his name, "Robert," he shared.  I thanked him again as I pulled out my business card, handed it to him and said he could email me if he ever wanted to connect again or had any questions about Seattle.  He thanked me and I walked out. 

Just a few steps out the door, planning to cross the street to grab a coffee at Starbucks, I realized I could invite him to join me.  He said people were not friendly here...I could extend a few minutes of "friendliness" to him.  I returned with my invitation.  He took me up on my offer.

As we were approaching Starbucks, I asked him why he choose Seattle.  "A friend in St. Louis said it was a nice, quieter city.  That sounded like what I needed.  I needed to get away from everything in Missouri and start fresh."  

"Were you born and raise in St. Louis?"  I asked.  

"Yes.  I spent my whole life there."  

"Wow, that takes a lot of courage to move to a place so far away, when you don't know anyone and start a new!" I said.  He shrugged this idea off, but I reiterated my thought.

"Yes...I guess so." he said.  

"I know so.  That really is a big deal.  It cannot be easy."  I said.  

"Yeah, it is tough, but if you want to change to happen, you have to take a leap and go for it.  That is what I am trying to do.  It is hard, but I am trying my best.  I know I need change."  He had no idea how his words were impacting me.  They cut deep for me because I have been feeling down and isolated the past few weeks.  I believe these words.  I preach these words to my husband and sons.  But when you hit periods of self-doubt, even knowing those words to be true, it is easier to burrow into the ground than leap.  The messenger was powerful.  I assumed his difficulties were much greater than mine.  If he was pushing self-doubt aside, who was I to not start doing the same?  Courage.

I asked Robert what kind of coffee he would like.  "I don't know...black?"

"Black, that's it?  Lighter or darker roast?  Do you want room for cream and sugar?"  If you are a Seattleite, there are so many questions you can ask about one cup of coffee...

After I finished his simple order, followed by my "Tall Americano, one Splenda and topped with steamed milk" nit-picky order, Robert asks, "What is this place?  Do they make some special kind of coffee or what?"

"You know Starbucks, right?  The headquarters is here, but they have these shops in St. Louis and all over the world." I say.

"I have heard of them, but I have never been in one..."  That is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

After joining him to walk down to the waterfront park and sit with him, I learn why the unfathomable is real.  

Robert was incarcerated for 15 years.  Entering at the age of 21, in 1999.  I have never met an ex-convict.  I cannot believe my first experience was in a most unexpected neighborhood.  

The next hour unfolded with learning and new insight for both of us.  I will close for now and hope to share a little more about Robert's impact on my head and my heart.

Most significantly, Robert shook my soul just when I needed it.  Life is about taking leaps every day.  

HUMAN CONNECTIVITY is ESSENTIAL and can be found every day in unexpected places.  We just have to lift our heads and have courage to say hello.  

This week, our country celebrated Martin Luther King Day.  In Seattle there was a march, online there were countless images and powerful quotes shared, throughout the country people entered theaters to watch Selma, a powerful movie depicting Martin Luther King’s campaign to secure equal voting rights via an epic 54-mile, 5-day march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.  I took my family to the movie and was moved to tears by the end of the film.  To read and hear the words of MLK, Jr., to be reminded of the courage of the human spirit to stand up and peacefully demonstrate for equal rights, fair treatment and hope for opportunity, to share this history with new generations...all of this is so inspiring.  But what about today and tomorrow… next month and in August??  The inspirations fade to the background and are replace with prejudice, presumption, fear, unrest, demonstrations, anger, resentment, questioning…We are approaching the 40 year anniversary of one of this country’s greatest peacemaker and I am saddened that, although progress has happened, prejudice continues to be pervasive in our society.  How can this move from conversations & inspirations to new & different actions to create change?

I am constantly wondering if pre-judgment is instinctual.  I know, as much as I hate to admit it, I make presumption about people ALL THE TIME  that keep me distant from them.  Depending on the day I am having, an experience from my youth, the choices I lean towards, the media I intake, the stories or gossip I have heard, I pre-judge even though I know that it is not fair, I DO IT. (My list of pre-judgment is long…I just based on religion, economics, age, race, education, beauty, material objects, associations, political choices, eating styles, occupation, culture…these are only top of mind topics, I am sure I could go on and on)  Sometimes I do it to make myself feel better about me and my life.  Sometimes, if I internally disparage someone else, I can avoid focusing on my own faults.  It allows me to justify keeping my wall up.  It really takes courage and consciousness to push the assumptions aside and connect (which, crazily, isn’t that difficult to do).  I would venture to guess that the majority of the times this happens in an honest, open way the prejudices fall away and the discovery of similarity or a learning moment happen.  But it takes work.  In the past few years, I am now realizing, I am becoming less and less tolerant of my instinctual dialogue, ignoring it and listening to another voice.  “Say hello, tell them you like their hat, their smile, their shoes.  Share what is on your mind and see what they think about it instead of assuming you know their answer.  Why are you holding back…just do it.”  Seriously, I have some little dialogue with myself.  9 out of 10 times when I open up to someone new, I get back way more than I ever could have imagined.  And I have a new, lived experience to counter stories I may have hear 2^nd hand, from the news or on social media.   I am dispelling the perception I had with the reality I experience.

Have we been conditioned since our youth to accept perception instead of discovering reality?  We all know perception is never the reality, so why do we accept it?  We are bombarded daily with information to help us form perceptions.  Do we question our perception?  That takes more work.  That takes putting ourselves in uncomfortable or unfamiliar situations.

Here is a quick example that just popped into my head…from the global news, we tend to paint wide swaths…Islam terrorist killed 12 Parisians—Our societal take away…Islam is a crazy religion filled with violent followers.  Be guarded and questioning of all Islamic people.  Instead, we should realize that incident, those 2 Islamic men are the anomaly.  2 men in a population of exceeding 1.5 BILLION Islams (a quarter of the world population).  TWO radicals.  Two bad apples.  They cannot be our sole representation of Islam.  But we allow the news to sink in and be our knowledge, build our fear, keep us separate…this happens every single day just insert a different identifying factor (black, dropout, millionaire, Mormon, Russian, post-partum mom, unemployed man, politician, welfare…you choose the descriptive, there will always be a bad, horrific story to tag on and allow us to form our perception of that “group”).

So, I sit here super sad when I think about the vision, dreams, wisdom, inspiration and leadership Martin Luther King shared with our country 50 years ago because I see our behaviors and disconnection countering what I believe all human beings hope for and want to believe in.  We remember and celebrate MLK, we teach our children his words…but what we do with our actions will always be more powerful than anything we can pass on with words.  But, just like it was required of him to be great, it is required of us…it requires courage to reflect on our behavior and try something a little different. 

I, for one am experiencing the benefits every single day because I am trying to put myself out there.  Trying to ignore my prejudice and connect.  In person, online…wherever.  It isn’t easy.  Lots of times I want to shut down and listen to my negative instinctual voice, but I have had way too many experiences now to know that it is worth the effort.  Human connectivity really, really matters and can change lives.  And I know it can change our world to be the world MLK envisioned. 

What do you think?  Are you in?  Let me know…

Why Me??

How did I arrive at this place that has a strangle hold on my heart and head?  When what you are doing does not have a road map, you spend lots of time trying to explain the why (or at least that has been my experience).  There is not an hour in the day that passes without a thought, explanation, inspiration or experience that reminds me how essential and important human connectivity is.  The ongoing mental and emotional battle I struggle with is not being able to concisely articulate "The Why" of what I am doing because.  On any given day, my reason will be different (my husband will be the first witness to confirm that…which always has him scratching his head and thinking it would be better for me to stick w/ photography).  The list of whys is exhaustive.  Here are just a few that are rattling through my mind today:

• Although there has been progress towards equality for all citizens, our country continues to be divided by color, religion, money, education, age, sexual preference, gender, politics and personal choices--ironically all things that make our country one of the best places in the world to live.  There is constant conversation about diversity and the importance of equality for all but how do we move from conversation to action beyond individual groups having to fight to be understood and treated equally?  
• The pace of our society and technological innovation is creating a heads down (or in the cloud) culture.  Parents fear the amount of screen time their kids are having, but parents are just as heads down and tied into their devices and technology as their children.  Everyday the younger generations are seeing this behavior modeled, why wouldn't they follow our lead?  Technological connectivity is a part of life but instead of fearing and fighting it, we need to accept it and realize with the change we must consciously lift our heads and connect with the people in our reality.  Of course, it is much easier to stay heads down and now we have an excuse to do just that...we appear busy and connected but, more often than not, we are more isolated and lonely.  
• I clearly remember when I was little (I'm a '70s girl), our society was based on hope and prosperity.  I remember consistently hearing this is the land of opportunity and anything is possible.  There was a strong sense of national pride around the USA being a melting pot.  Just a few decades later and the pride and positive messaging has been replaced with fear--fear of failure, fear of others, fear of dying, fear of not being good enough, on and on and on!!  All this fear keeps us disconnected, questioning ourselves, questioning others, staying in our safe/comfort zone…DIVIDED.  Human connectivity with people different than you is essential to quelling the prevailing fear-based messaging we are bombarded by daily.

Since starting The WMB, I began hearing, "This is the land of opportunity and anything is possible" again…from immigrant subjects.  They are not jaded by the overriding current cultural messages (not sure how to say that).  Most times, they are so grateful and excited to be in the United States.  Most live without expectations beyond getting education, finding jobs and working hard.  They make new connections, they do not let fear guide them. Often they prosper and impact those around them in positive ways.  I want to get back to living in a society that is filled with pride for being a melting pot, not spewing vehement hatred.  I believe it is possible!

• When I connect with new people, they often reflect back to me the beauty and inspiration I do not see in myself.  This is fuel for my soul.  I know I tend to focus on what I am insecure about  It can be very depressing and isolating.                                                                      Acquaintances and strangers never see us through the same lens we see ourselves (and they are often too busy thinking about what they suck at or how they look to be as critical of you as you are to your self).  But it is scary because we assume people will see us for who we think we are…they don't…if you are open, willingly share a little about yourself, people will see you for WHO you are, which is a unique, one of a kind person.  
• It could be a random 20 second or 20 minute connection…it doesn't take much…but when they happen, they can be spirit lifting whether it is a shared laugh with a stranger, a shared perspective with someone you wouldn't normally interact with, a new secret skill learned…it can make your day just a little bit better.  So why wouldn't you be open to lifting your head and saying yellow???  (That is funny, that was a Freudian typo…I was actually thinking while I was typing that it isn't really just hello that will open the door, but a different question or remark…so maybe try saying yellow, not hello and see what happens!!)

You are probably getting the gist--I could go on and on, and I am not even sure if any of it is making sense…insert image of whirling dervish!!  But the answer to each of the issues, I believe, is the importance of human connectivity.  It matters and I must put my own insecurities aside and push my thoughts out and push on.

The one real truth I know is that life is super hard.  SUPER HARD!  Nobody is immune to the life virus.  Regardless of who you are, where you were born, how old you are, how much money you have, what job you have, how much family you have…every single life is on its own roller coaster and no one is immune to struggle, hardship, illness, loneliness or fear.  I remember when I was in my early 20s, I had zero idea of what I "wanted to do with my life"(the WORST question asked incessantly to teenagers & young adults).  I remember thinking, "I can't wait until I am 40 because then, at least I will know the answer and what I am doing with my life.  It will be so much easier then…"  I'm there...my 40s...my self-portrait, resume, accomplishments and family have changed, but life is not any easier.  Maybe my assumption that this is true for all people is off, but I can only go with what I know. LIFE IS HARD!!  But what I have learned is that the connections I have made in my life and being able to share my truth and struggles with others has helped me better move through life, find support, find inspiration, find commiseration, find acceptance and self-love instead of diving off the deep end.  And so, at 43, I cannot fully answer the Why Me question, but I know that I cannot ignore it.  I found this quote before the new year that deeply resonated with me. 

I hope you will follow me down this path aways and then create a few of your own!  You never know when you will impact someone or when you will be impacted but both will happen if you connect!

Why care?

I am constantly asking myself, “Why am I so motivated to promote human connectivity?  Why can’t I just let it rest and be at peace with what I know I can do well and can earn a living from (photography)?  Why is it so important?  And who cares, anyway?”  And the truth is I feel like my life would be easier just letting it go and settling in with the known.  I know my husband would be grateful for the calmness of the known.  My heart and mind could rest instead of constantly churning thinking about avenues to pursue, words to convey, people I wish I could work with to further my vision.  But settling is not in my DNA.  Reaching for my dreams is (thank you mom and Dad!) and these are the thoughts that come to mind in this moment when I try to answer the first question (every hour I could give a different answer).

Three years ago, The World in My Backyard idea came to me.  I would share with people, via a coffee table album, the incredible diversity and fabric of the Greater Seattle community.  It was simplistic in concept and seemingly very doable.  With each new person I met and interviewed my excitement grew.  I could not wait to share the faces and life stories of the individuals.  With time, I realized my simplistic idea was already changing my own life and just a book about 193 individual pictures and stories would not suffice.

I am fortunate to have life experiences traveling the world and living in different states in our country providing me with opportunities to meet and learn from people completely different than myself.  

But none could hold a candle to the year I spent working on the project.  Truly, this is not an exaggeration.  It was the best year of my life and I did not have to leave my home.  As the year progressed, I was overwhelmed with the individual stories, but even more so, I fiercely wished other people could have similar experiences as I was having by simply making new connections.  My life was impacted in little ways by some and LIFE CHANGING ways in others.  Regardless of the depth of each new connection, with each person I was inspired.  I learned something new (about them, the world I live in, another culture, another religion, an occupation, a great restaurant, a play…about myself) and these became a part of my life and my family’s life. 

Many times people have said to me, “Tara, you are so lucky because you have traveled the world.  Your boys are so lucky because you are taking them to see the world.  They will learn so because of the experiences you are giving them.”  This may be true, but I KNOW they are learning and can learn so much more about the world and citizens of the world just by connecting with the people in their world.  Isn’t the United States the melting pot of the world?  It does not take adventurous parents or money to travel to learn about other cultures around the world.  It takes being open to saying hello to the person standing next to you.  They may be a foreigner or a fifth generation American but their family, traditions, beliefs, upbringing and experiences will always be different than yours…there is always something to learn from people in the world…those standing next to you or those 10,000 miles away.  It just takes a moment to lift your head from your device, smile at someone, say hello, ask a different question, listen AND share a little about yourself. 

I know many will say, “That is all fine and good for you, Tara, but I don’t want more friends.  I don’t even have time to see the ones I have.  I am happy with my life and the family and friends in my life PERIOD.”  If we all choose to be complacent, generally communing with like-minded people and letting mass media and fear form our beliefs and assumptions about who people are and how they behave, we will continue to live in a country that is deeply divided by race, religion, politics, economics, on and on and on.  This is why I am so passionate.  

of who someone is based on what our own background and media has painted them

My time is running short today, so I will close for now which is making me very uncomfortable because I am not sure I have clearly conveyed my thoughts or provided a solid close, but time & amateur writing ability could force me to keep my thoughts spinning in my head forever or just put it out there, cross my fingers that it will resonate with a few people and move on.  2015 has me choosing the later. 

Let me know what you think!!

First Day

It is the first full work week of 2015.  Seven months have passed since I gave myself a promotion to a Human Connectivity Conservationist.  Eight blog posts in seven months…it’s been a demanding job!  In actuality, HCC has been on my mind all of the time but I needed to prioritize my “real” work, family and life.  And truth be told, my fear of putting my thoughts down on virtual paper was paralyzing…I let my fear win out and I stuck with what I knew I could do well—photography.  But after 17 years in business (no maternity leaves, to boot), I am taking 2015 off ("sabbatical" of sorts) to focus on the work I am passionately driven to do.  For the last 3 years I have dreamt about working full time on The Worldin My Backyard.  THREE YEARS!!!  And today is the Monday I get to start living that dream but my head has been spinning around one massive question, “What the heck are you doing?! “  Followed by “Where do I even begin?!!”  and “You really don’t have any idea what you are doing!!!”  Yep, I have spent the last week thinking, "be careful with you wish for"!!

Leading into the first work day of the year, I knew only one thing.  I would not be jumping right back into sharing content about the great people who are a part of The WMB.  I have BIG dreams for the project that will take time to lay the groundwork to build from.  I told myself I would clear my office of all things related to my photography business, clean (envision the space of a creative…organized chaos throughout the room), clean, clear out, clean AND write one HCC post.  When push comes to shove, this creative being can clean and organize Martha Stewart style.  Especially when filled with fear about doing the last task…clean, organize, avoid, worry, clean, day dream about all the connectivity thoughts screaming through my mind, all the while hoping I could be inspired to formulate my thought and hit "publish" but worried I would get to the end of the work day with just a clean office.  That was the direction my first work day of living my dream year was heading ntil I received a call at 9:26 this morning…

An hour into cleaning my phone rings.  I look at the caller ID and see a friend’s name that I think I have talked to on the phone maybe 10 times in the duration of our 15+ yr friendship.  My first thought was that something horrible must have happened to a mutual friend or her family.  Even after answering and a few minutes talking about kids getting back to school, work and holidays, I was still waiting for her to drop a bomb.  Something must have happened to motivate the call.  Neither of us are phone talkers—we text or see each other in person…something is bad but she just isn’t getting to it.  We keep talking and I am actually super psyched to actually start my day off talking with her and hearing her voice, but I am waiting for the bad news.  What could it be???

And then, ten minutes in, the answer surfaces and kind of knocks me over.  She said since it was 2015, she was starting something new.  She is going to call people when she is thinking of them.  “Texting and Facebook just aren’t doing it for me.  I have time when I am on my way to work or traveling with work to call people…I never do.  And now I am going to and I am starting with you because you inspired me a last year when you sent out a letter…”  Our conversation continued a few more minutes until she arrived at her office.  Her call seriously made my day.  It was simple.  Nothing earth shattering was shared but it was so good to hear her voice.  We both acknowledged how great real connectivity is.  It does not give you something tangible to hold up for proof of importance but I know my head and heart lift with even the smallest human connection.  It matters.  Ester Frey’s call this morning provided me with the little pebble I needed to carry me through the day.  And then stars begin aligning.

In the midst of writing this post, I went and found the letter I sent out to last year that she had referred to for her new years inspiration.  Last new years, I was inspired by my friend who had passed away the previous summer.  When I found the letter, I was surprised to see how I started it...January 6^th.  That is tomorrow.  Without Ester’s call, I would not have been inspired enough to write and hit “publish”.  Without her call, I would not have thought about last year’s writing.  And her call now has Stacey sitting at the top of my mind.  She was one incredible woman whose life ended way too soon.  As I sit here thinking of her, I remember EVERY SINGLE TIME we were together, somehow she let me know, whether through telling others about my work or a recent adventure of mine or telling me directly what she thought of me.  She always said she was my biggest fan.  So today, as I am embarking on my dream job (the scariest thing I have ever done), I know my biggest fan is cheering for me loudly and because of Ester’s inspiration to connect I am hearing Stacey loud and clear.   Tears are filling my eyes while confusion still clouds my head but I will follow my heart and my vision because I am lucky to be touched friends old, new and those unknown in the days ahead.  

In closing, I will share the card I sent out one year ago this week.  The picture above is from the front of the card.  In the left corner, you can barely my title for the image, "A New Dawn".  Fitting for today's post.  Happy New Year and may 2015 be a year to celebrate human connections, new, old, big and small.  I will be sharing mine here and I hope you follow along, share with friends and maybe even share with me how human connections have impacted you.

Hello Stranger

***If you have limited time, skip reading my thoughts and go directly to this article, "Hello, Stranger".

In the last few years, people very close (i.e. husband & long time friends) to me have questioned my need for meeting new people, connecting with strangers, having coffee with someone I barely knew.  They assumed I must have some agenda that would be met or why would I be wasting my time?  I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with myself because I could not articulate a solid answer for them.  I began to feel guilty about my actions.  I began to question myself.  Why couldn't I just be satisfied with all the great people in my life?

Maya Angelou

The quick assumption that I was such an extrovert did not give me resolve.  For me, introvert vs. extrovert oversimplifies the need to connect with people (and sometimes provides an excuse for not connecting).  I have never viewed myself as an extrovert because I have introverted tendencies as well.  When people would say, "Tara, you can meet people because you are so extroverted.  It is easier for you, I could never do that."  I would try and tell them it was not easy for me.  I have not always been so open.  And with each person I open up to or approach, I have to fight my internal dialogue about what I think they may think of me or how stupid I may come off being.  Those feelings never go away.  But I have learned that most of the time I gain so much more than the potential embarrassment, judgement or dismissiveness I had imagined would happen.

For the past few year, all I could answer was that new people, new perspectives, new experiences fueled me.   For me (and those closest to me), that answer falls like a pile of poop on the floor...totally inconclusive.  And it made me feel like I did not value or care for the people I have in my life.

I considered ways to temper my passion for meeting new people:

• I have always been streetsmart not booksmart...maybe if I read more I would not need to meet as many people to fill me with knowledge.  
• Focus more time on my family.
• Do more GAMES Magazine puzzles from the stacks that have piles up untouched over the years.
• Rekindle my love of knitting.

But I was too far gone.  I had discovered meeting new people opened infinite doors to knowledge I would fall asleep trying to read about, new experiences/activities I could share my family and new hobbies I would have never discovered on my own at this stage of my life..."mid-life".  I am positive if tempered I myself, I would add the dreaded "crisis" to this stage of life.
Last night, I was forwarded this NY Times article, "Hello, Stranger".  It struck a major chord with me.  I love that people are studying connectivity and happiness.  Now, if we can all put some of their study exercises into practice without a reward of gift cards, I am sure the world would begin spinning a little smoother.  Happiness would grow and connectivity would increase.  Two of the most essential ingredients of life!  I felt like this article perfectly articulated what I struggled behavior I that fuels my soul.

In closing, I want to share a personal added significance to having this article brought to my attention.  It as forwarded to my by a beautiful, bright young woman, Catherine Roseman, who recently graduated from an east coast university.  Because my project has me meeting and befriending strangers, Catherine came into my life.  I met her mom while walking dogs in the park near my home.  Over the years, as we randomly crossed paths, she would share with me the highs and lows of her daughter heading to and through college. One day, she shared her thoughts that Catherine would be interested in the work I was trying to do.  Catherine had the fortitude to follow up on her mom's thoughts and knocked on my door at the beginning of her sophomore summer.  For the past two summers, she has worked with me and provide me with reassurance that my ideas are worth pursuing even when I clearly have no idea what direction I am going.  Yesterday, we sat and talked for a few hours about where we are at in life--the unnerving stage of finding employment or the next stepping stone in life for her and my desire to pursue my passion that has me feeling uneasy, as well as the mundane topics of raising and educating kids.  There is not an agenda either of us is trying to achieve through our connection except for sharing and learning from each other.  The conversation was stimulating and a reminder of how difficult every stage of life is, but also how fortunate we are to be living it and if we keep moving forward our current worries will resolve.  When Catherine left, I felt honored she would want to spend time with someone almost twice her age--I am not sure I would have found the courage to do that at her age.  She inspires me to keep moving forward instead of spinning in my insecurities.  And then she forwards me an article that helps me validate my own beliefs.  All of this received because I was open to talking with strangers.  Catherine Roseman, you are an angelic reminder to continue putting one step in front of the other and be open to the people and possibilities in my every day!

Last Post--"Perceptions and Reflections"