Ex Con. Ice Breaker. SOUL SHAKER.

Upon walked into the lobby waiting room for a therapist in Madison Park (an affluent neighborhood in Seattle), there was a disheveled, Snoop Dogg dead ringer, with tear drop tattoos and plastic bags next to him.  Ashamedly, my immediate thought was, "Is this man homeless and just walked off the street for a warm, dry spot to sit?"  He presence was so incongruous with the people I had seen in this office, or the upscale neighborhood, for that matter.  I put my head down, walked past both and sat on an empty sofa.  

I grabbed a magazine and quickly busied myself.  I only have my own experience to draw on, but in therapist waiting areas people rarely seem to make eye contact or talk.  Is there shame or embarrassment we are trying to avoid?  Aren't we all seeking help? But the vibe is always if I don't make eye contact with you, you will do the same for me and we can hide behind the imaginary wall and pretend no one is struggling. 

Minutes passed, I thought about the man in the room with me.  I did not make eye contact with him, but I was curious about him.   Why didn't I acknowledge his presence?  I think I am a nice person.  Why can't I look up?  "Keep flipping through the shiny Seattle Magazine.  I didn't want him to think I was judging him.  "Head down until your therapist calls your name," I said to myself.  "Maybe he is homeless and if I open the door with a 'hello', I won't be able to shut it??"  Total avoidance of another person's presence in a small space...that didn't feel great but I convinced myself that was the better option.  

A voice shook me out of my bubble.  I look up to find an inquisitive gaze followed by, "Excuse me, this is my first time here.  Do you just wait for a person to come and call you back?"  His simple question broke through the wall of silence.  

"Yes, whoever you are meeting will come and call your name," I reply.  And then, not wanting to continue my closed off position, I ask the question I ask most to people I do not know, "Are you from Seattle?"  "No, am from Missouri, I have only been in Seattle a few months."  

"That is a big move.  What brought you out to Seattle?  Friends or family?  How have you found Seattle to be?" I asked.  

"I needed to get away from Missouri, I came alone and it has been tough because it seems like people here are not friendly.  They don't like to be asked questions.  Compared to Missouri, they are not really that friendly."

I said, "Seattle is filled with very nice people, but it does take quite a bit of time to get to know people, 'Seattle nice, Seattle ice.'"

He had not heard that term before, but said he definitely has experienced it.  Just then my therapist arrived.  I had to quickly depart.  As I walked past him, I said goodbye and good luck....on with my day. 

I walked down the long hallway to my therapist's office thinking, I was thankful he asked me a question and stepped through the wall of silence.  I am not sure I would have done the same if I was in a place where I was a fish out of water as clearly as he was.  The  brief experience, although very minor impacted me but I couldn't put my finger on why.  On with my day...

Following my hour appointment, when I returned to the lobby, there he was, loading up his plastic bags.  I asked,"Did it all work out?  Did your counselor come?"

"It turned out I had the wrong time.  My appointment wasn't until 12:30.  So I need to come back in an hour." 

I mentioned there was a beautiful lakeside park just a few blocks away where he could sit while he waited.  His counselor had shared that with him too.  I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and I was thankful he asked me a question to take me out of my own space that morning.  I asked his name, "Robert," he shared.  I thanked him again as I pulled out my business card, handed it to him and said he could email me if he ever wanted to connect again or had any questions about Seattle.  He thanked me and I walked out. 

Just a few steps out the door, planning to cross the street to grab a coffee at Starbucks, I realized I could invite him to join me.  He said people were not friendly here...I could extend a few minutes of "friendliness" to him.  I returned with my invitation.  He took me up on my offer.

As we were approaching Starbucks, I asked him why he choose Seattle.  "A friend in St. Louis said it was a nice, quieter city.  That sounded like what I needed.  I needed to get away from everything in Missouri and start fresh."  

"Were you born and raise in St. Louis?"  I asked.  

"Yes.  I spent my whole life there."  

"Wow, that takes a lot of courage to move to a place so far away, when you don't know anyone and start a new!" I said.  He shrugged this idea off, but I reiterated my thought.

"Yes...I guess so." he said.  

"I know so.  That really is a big deal.  It cannot be easy."  I said.  

"Yeah, it is tough, but if you want to change to happen, you have to take a leap and go for it.  That is what I am trying to do.  It is hard, but I am trying my best.  I know I need change."  He had no idea how his words were impacting me.  They cut deep for me because I have been feeling down and isolated the past few weeks.  I believe these words.  I preach these words to my husband and sons.  But when you hit periods of self-doubt, even knowing those words to be true, it is easier to burrow into the ground than leap.  The messenger was powerful.  I assumed his difficulties were much greater than mine.  If he was pushing self-doubt aside, who was I to not start doing the same?  Courage.

I asked Robert what kind of coffee he would like.  "I don't know...black?"

"Black, that's it?  Lighter or darker roast?  Do you want room for cream and sugar?"  If you are a Seattleite, there are so many questions you can ask about one cup of coffee...

After I finished his simple order, followed by my "Tall Americano, one Splenda and topped with steamed milk" nit-picky order, Robert asks, "What is this place?  Do they make some special kind of coffee or what?"

"You know Starbucks, right?  The headquarters is here, but they have these shops in St. Louis and all over the world." I say.

"I have heard of them, but I have never been in one..."  That is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

After joining him to walk down to the waterfront park and sit with him, I learn why the unfathomable is real.  

Robert was incarcerated for 15 years.  Entering at the age of 21, in 1999.  I have never met an ex-convict.  I cannot believe my first experience was in a most unexpected neighborhood.  

The next hour unfolded with learning and new insight for both of us.  I will close for now and hope to share a little more about Robert's impact on my head and my heart.

Most significantly, Robert shook my soul just when I needed it.  Life is about taking leaps every day.  

HUMAN CONNECTIVITY is ESSENTIAL and can be found every day in unexpected places.  We just have to lift our heads and have courage to say hello.  

Why care?

I am constantly asking myself, “Why am I so motivated to promote human connectivity?  Why can’t I just let it rest and be at peace with what I know I can do well and can earn a living from (photography)?  Why is it so important?  And who cares, anyway?”  And the truth is I feel like my life would be easier just letting it go and settling in with the known.  I know my husband would be grateful for the calmness of the known.  My heart and mind could rest instead of constantly churning thinking about avenues to pursue, words to convey, people I wish I could work with to further my vision.  But settling is not in my DNA.  Reaching for my dreams is (thank you mom and Dad!) and these are the thoughts that come to mind in this moment when I try to answer the first question (every hour I could give a different answer).

Three years ago, The World in My Backyard idea came to me.  I would share with people, via a coffee table album, the incredible diversity and fabric of the Greater Seattle community.  It was simplistic in concept and seemingly very doable.  With each new person I met and interviewed my excitement grew.  I could not wait to share the faces and life stories of the individuals.  With time, I realized my simplistic idea was already changing my own life and just a book about 193 individual pictures and stories would not suffice.

I am fortunate to have life experiences traveling the world and living in different states in our country providing me with opportunities to meet and learn from people completely different than myself.  

But none could hold a candle to the year I spent working on the project.  Truly, this is not an exaggeration.  It was the best year of my life and I did not have to leave my home.  As the year progressed, I was overwhelmed with the individual stories, but even more so, I fiercely wished other people could have similar experiences as I was having by simply making new connections.  My life was impacted in little ways by some and LIFE CHANGING ways in others.  Regardless of the depth of each new connection, with each person I was inspired.  I learned something new (about them, the world I live in, another culture, another religion, an occupation, a great restaurant, a play…about myself) and these became a part of my life and my family’s life. 

Many times people have said to me, “Tara, you are so lucky because you have traveled the world.  Your boys are so lucky because you are taking them to see the world.  They will learn so because of the experiences you are giving them.”  This may be true, but I KNOW they are learning and can learn so much more about the world and citizens of the world just by connecting with the people in their world.  Isn’t the United States the melting pot of the world?  It does not take adventurous parents or money to travel to learn about other cultures around the world.  It takes being open to saying hello to the person standing next to you.  They may be a foreigner or a fifth generation American but their family, traditions, beliefs, upbringing and experiences will always be different than yours…there is always something to learn from people in the world…those standing next to you or those 10,000 miles away.  It just takes a moment to lift your head from your device, smile at someone, say hello, ask a different question, listen AND share a little about yourself. 

I know many will say, “That is all fine and good for you, Tara, but I don’t want more friends.  I don’t even have time to see the ones I have.  I am happy with my life and the family and friends in my life PERIOD.”  If we all choose to be complacent, generally communing with like-minded people and letting mass media and fear form our beliefs and assumptions about who people are and how they behave, we will continue to live in a country that is deeply divided by race, religion, politics, economics, on and on and on.  This is why I am so passionate.  

of who someone is based on what our own background and media has painted them

My time is running short today, so I will close for now which is making me very uncomfortable because I am not sure I have clearly conveyed my thoughts or provided a solid close, but time & amateur writing ability could force me to keep my thoughts spinning in my head forever or just put it out there, cross my fingers that it will resonate with a few people and move on.  2015 has me choosing the later. 

Let me know what you think!!

Hello Stranger

***If you have limited time, skip reading my thoughts and go directly to this article, "Hello, Stranger".

In the last few years, people very close (i.e. husband & long time friends) to me have questioned my need for meeting new people, connecting with strangers, having coffee with someone I barely knew.  They assumed I must have some agenda that would be met or why would I be wasting my time?  I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with myself because I could not articulate a solid answer for them.  I began to feel guilty about my actions.  I began to question myself.  Why couldn't I just be satisfied with all the great people in my life?

Maya Angelou

The quick assumption that I was such an extrovert did not give me resolve.  For me, introvert vs. extrovert oversimplifies the need to connect with people (and sometimes provides an excuse for not connecting).  I have never viewed myself as an extrovert because I have introverted tendencies as well.  When people would say, "Tara, you can meet people because you are so extroverted.  It is easier for you, I could never do that."  I would try and tell them it was not easy for me.  I have not always been so open.  And with each person I open up to or approach, I have to fight my internal dialogue about what I think they may think of me or how stupid I may come off being.  Those feelings never go away.  But I have learned that most of the time I gain so much more than the potential embarrassment, judgement or dismissiveness I had imagined would happen.

For the past few year, all I could answer was that new people, new perspectives, new experiences fueled me.   For me (and those closest to me), that answer falls like a pile of poop on the floor...totally inconclusive.  And it made me feel like I did not value or care for the people I have in my life.

I considered ways to temper my passion for meeting new people:

• I have always been streetsmart not booksmart...maybe if I read more I would not need to meet as many people to fill me with knowledge.  
• Focus more time on my family.
• Do more GAMES Magazine puzzles from the stacks that have piles up untouched over the years.
• Rekindle my love of knitting.

But I was too far gone.  I had discovered meeting new people opened infinite doors to knowledge I would fall asleep trying to read about, new experiences/activities I could share my family and new hobbies I would have never discovered on my own at this stage of my life..."mid-life".  I am positive if tempered I myself, I would add the dreaded "crisis" to this stage of life.
Last night, I was forwarded this NY Times article, "Hello, Stranger".  It struck a major chord with me.  I love that people are studying connectivity and happiness.  Now, if we can all put some of their study exercises into practice without a reward of gift cards, I am sure the world would begin spinning a little smoother.  Happiness would grow and connectivity would increase.  Two of the most essential ingredients of life!  I felt like this article perfectly articulated what I struggled behavior I that fuels my soul.

In closing, I want to share a personal added significance to having this article brought to my attention.  It as forwarded to my by a beautiful, bright young woman, Catherine Roseman, who recently graduated from an east coast university.  Because my project has me meeting and befriending strangers, Catherine came into my life.  I met her mom while walking dogs in the park near my home.  Over the years, as we randomly crossed paths, she would share with me the highs and lows of her daughter heading to and through college. One day, she shared her thoughts that Catherine would be interested in the work I was trying to do.  Catherine had the fortitude to follow up on her mom's thoughts and knocked on my door at the beginning of her sophomore summer.  For the past two summers, she has worked with me and provide me with reassurance that my ideas are worth pursuing even when I clearly have no idea what direction I am going.  Yesterday, we sat and talked for a few hours about where we are at in life--the unnerving stage of finding employment or the next stepping stone in life for her and my desire to pursue my passion that has me feeling uneasy, as well as the mundane topics of raising and educating kids.  There is not an agenda either of us is trying to achieve through our connection except for sharing and learning from each other.  The conversation was stimulating and a reminder of how difficult every stage of life is, but also how fortunate we are to be living it and if we keep moving forward our current worries will resolve.  When Catherine left, I felt honored she would want to spend time with someone almost twice her age--I am not sure I would have found the courage to do that at her age.  She inspires me to keep moving forward instead of spinning in my insecurities.  And then she forwards me an article that helps me validate my own beliefs.  All of this received because I was open to talking with strangers.  Catherine Roseman, you are an angelic reminder to continue putting one step in front of the other and be open to the people and possibilities in my every day!

Last Post--"Perceptions and Reflections"